driftwood

shaky

So its almost over, another weekend that has gone to
waste. J is sleeping and I am trying to study, but its
been difficult to concentrate. I have a hundred things
going through my head. Thursdays presentation is making me
nervous, maybe because we have not produced anything for
it. Hopefully tommorrow I will meet up with the girls.
J told me what he was thinking of getting me for christmas;
a ticket to fly my sister in for the holidays. What an
amazing thought, as my mom is not with her and her relation
with R is most likely going to end, she might be alone,
well at least without family. As amazing as that would be I
said no to it. Not because of the cost or anything but
because of that certain diffculty that we have between each
other. I do care for her greatly, I worry about her
everyday and sometimes feel lost that I can't help her in
life but I think it would be too much. Yet we are great
friends. I feel awful about not excepting the offer but no
one in Toronto, not friends or J know about are pass and
the problem we both expereinced one after each other. Its
so funny but it feels so far away or as if it was not even
us yet we still battle it to this day. I really wish that
she would stop letting it trouble her life, however even I
have realized it dominates my life too. I was always the
one with the rational and logically outlook (even though I
am the younger one, I have always acted as the older one-
as childern and now).I've tried to help her get over it but
i fell into the same sickness. My mom always reminds me of
it but I ignore her words. Yet deep down I know I am the
same. I wonder if I will every share this part of my past
with J, if I do it might ruin my chance to continue the
sickness, SHIT, how can I see it, realize it, talk about it
but not know it is wrong to continue. Will I ever I wonder.