Evil Elvis
2001-11-17 22:59:14 (UTC)


Had a very cool chat with Joe tonight, felt very inspired
aftewrwards...I haven't had a truly honest and frank
conversation with someone for a very long time and it felt

I've spent a long time hiding from things, people, dreams
and myself to a large extent, but I honestly feel as if
something has changed. I don't quite know what or how yet,
but something's happening in here. I dunno if it's a
realisation that I'm getting old (I'm 26 in a week)but I
feel as if I've lost a huge chunk out of my life, being
depressed and miserable about things that happened a long
time ago in my life....they happened, I can't change them,
so why should I get hung up on them. Surely the most
important thing is to learn from what happened and use the
experience of it to not make the same mistakes, not avoid
situations where you can allow yourself to fuck up in the
same way?!!? It seems so obvious seeing it written down,
but I've really lost so much time, time I can never ever
get back in my life...I need to use my time more

We talked about my Granda too, was really weird. I've
missed him since he died, and I think about him a lot, but
never talk about him. Another example of me avoiding a
situation in fear of it hurting me...

I was there the night my Granda died...he had leukemia and
had gone into a coma, and I was there when he stopped
breathing..I could see he had stopped breathing but never
said anything...I've felt guitly about it for ages but deep
down I know he's better off where he is now, rather than
having tubes and machines sustaining an empty shell. He was
a great person, he'd seen so much of the world, places I've
never even heard of, I wish I'd spent more time getting to
know him growing up. He was always such a huge, powerful
man when I was wee, but he had a stroke while I was still
young and it was like a light was switvhed off....I miss
him a lot and I know my gran does too. They were together
for about 50 years, I remember their ruby wedding
anniversary so clearly. It was great to see two people who
were still in love after so long. I didnt appreciate it at
the time, was probably wrapped up in some teenage drama at
the time...

I hope he's proud of me, cos I loved him so much...