Christ I'm going nuts. Everything has turned into some
stupid ass routine. I need variation- tension, turmoil,
anything. Entertainment the last couple of days consisted
of sleep, food, and a new CD. Fuck, how long do I have to
keep living like this. I mean, life's not bad or anything
but it's not good either. Even a miserable existence is
preferable to this eternal tedium.
Maybe I should quit school, convert to Christianity and
become a nun. Some missionary type nun who goes to foreign
lands and helps out the underprivelidged. Except by helping
I mean feeding and clothing, not converting. I wouldn't
give a shit what they believed in.
Or else, I could move to Hawaii, forsake all my material
belongings and live like a Franciscan monk. Except instead
of trying to reach Nirvana through worshipping god, I'd do
yoga and shit.
As if. Like I could give up chocolate and vodka and
feather-beds. But maybe forsaking those things would be
more interesting than unbearable. The fact that I can't
live without them would make the journey all the more
exquisite in that it would truly be a challenge. And
if my life were simplified I could be more focussed, and
would be able to could concentrate on reaching a higher
plane. My holy grail, per se.
Wait a minute, until now I thought the holy grail I was
searching for was tangible. Some kind of creation that
would be perfect, in my eyes.
Its probably a combination of the two- reaching a higher
state of consciousness through accomplishing one's ultimate
It will be a while before I become 'enlightened'. I don't
think it will happen through me becoming a born-again
Christian or whatever. I know that it will involve
creation expression, somehow.
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