once again
2001-11-17 09:08:46 (UTC)

and the winner is...

Well I suckered out and called Robert today. But I wasn't
very friendly about it. When I went to his house after work
he was like okay we can talk now. No phones, no outside,
no being tired. I said what is there to talk about? You
haven't done anything wrong...we're not together remember.
I told him that he can do as he pleases because there are
no ties that are binding us. No titles. He asked what we
were and I told him that I thought that we were whatever.
No titles again. He said so are we seeing each other and I
told him I have no clue...I guess. I said I don't want
anything and that even if I did that I'm definitely not
ready for it. All inall he thinks we're seeing each other
and I told him whatever. I don't care. When he's not
mister split personality he's cool to hang out with. When
I don't have to worry if we really are seeing each other or
not. I like him and if all the situations were different
(mine and his together) then I probably would want
something else. But he talks about Nicole all the time and
I think about Shawn like there's no tomorrow. So neither
one of us has a right doing anything with the other. I
won't even give him more then a peck. I talked to Jason
lst night forever. He was so drunk but he was totally cool
to talk to. He kept making me laugh and he said that he
wishes I lived there. He would take me out and treat me
the way I desrve to be treated. That's good to know that
someone could like me for me and not because I look like an
easy fuck or they like the way I shake my ass. He's
difinitely a keeper. I haven't talked to Shawn for a few
days. I tried calling a few times but I know I'm not going
to catch him home that easily. Maybe he'll call me...yea
and maybe the red sea will part again...where's the bigger
odds??? I don't know what to do. Jason tells me to listen
to my heart and go with it. He said to remember I am my
own person, stand up for myself, and go with what I feel I
should do. Everything else will follow. I'm trying my
damndest to follow that. It's 3am...I wonder where and
what Shawn is doing. I he up, awake thinking of me. Is
he asleep dreaming of me. I know he thinks of me, everyone
says he does. Everyone wants me back so we can be together
again. I won't go back, he's coming to me. He's making
this right, not me. I've ran after him too long and this
time I will be the one sought. I have so many doubts and
it's because I know how Shawn was. He talks but doesn't
know how to do. When I leave from vaction on Dec. 5 I know
things will be back to him upset and sad. Will they calm
down again or will it be the final push to get his ass in
gear to make this shit right? he's a good guys with a
strong heart. He is 1200 miles away loving a girl that
left because of him and is still willing to let him be a
part of her life. That says something, doesn't it?