my life
2001-11-17 05:59:24 (UTC)

Friday, November 16

I don't know what to say. This is the first time i
decided to give this a try. I am not used to typing my
thoughts for the world to see. I keep a journal pretty
faithfully, but it is in a little leather book, and I would
never, I mean never let someone else even touch it. For
those of you who are going to try to read this: Even though
I am an English major, I forget about that as soon as I
open my real leather journal to write, so I imagine it will
be the same as far as this one goes. I pay absolutely no
attention whatsoever to spelling, punctuation,
capitalization, grammar, paragraph or sentence structure. I
also have a tendency to jump back and forth between topics
and thoughts. My main goal in keeping a journal is to get
my thoughts and feelings out as fast and as exact as they
come into my head. If I ever want to use any of this for
anything else later on, I figure I will edit and revise it
then. Just thought I would warn you about that in case
there are anymore English majors out there. Hopefully you
will understand pretty much what I am trying to say without
getting bogged down to deep. So here goes:
I am really frustrated right now. I am trying to work 2
jobs and go to school so I can save up money to attend a
university in January. It is really hard, because I am not
able to get any financial aid, and my parents are very
reluctant about paying for my education. I got a part-time
job working 20-30 hours a week about a month ago, but it
doesn't pay shit. And I just found out tonight that they
have too many people working for them so they are going to
start cutting everyone's hours big time. I guess that means
it is time for me to find another job. But I am planning on
moving in less than a month to go to a university, I just
am not sure where I am moving yet, so that makes it kinda
hard. I am thinking about applying for a job where I can
work from like midnight till 4 am. I have classes at the
community college 2 days a week, and 3 days a week I try to
work at the public schools, and from about 5 pm till
midnight I am working that other job. Although now that
they are cutting everyone's hours back, I don't know what's
gonna happen.
I went to visit with my 2 best friends about 100 miles or
so away last weekend. We had a great time. I went clubbing
with one of my friends last Saturday night, and I met a
really nice guy. I called him when I was still staying with
my friends, but it was late at night and he had to go to
work early the next morning so he couldn't chill with us.
He asked me to call him sometime this week, but I haven't
had the chance. I had to work until 2:30am yesterday
morning then wake up at 8:00 for class, then work from 5:00
yesterday evening until 1:00 this morning. I just got off
of work a couple of hours ago. I think I will call him on
Sunday to see what's up.
The guy I met last weekend lives near where I will most
likely be moving to in about 3 and 1/2 weeks. I am going to
try to move out there early and stay with my cousin while I
look for a job and an apartment and try to get somewhat
settled before school starts.
Tonight I got in a huge fight with my two best friends, I
hope we will be able to work this one out. Now that I look
back on it, it was a really stupid argument, especially to
lose friendships over. I am not ready to call them back
yet. Maybe tomorrow before I go to work. we'll see. The
argument was over guys. Actually it was about one in
particular, one that was probably not even worth the time
and the energy of the argument.
Speaking of guys. I need to call the one that I have been
dating for the past couple of weeks. I don't know what to
say. I mean, I don't know if I want to keep seeing him or
not, especially if I will be moving in just a few weeks. He
is a really great guy, though, and I would not like to hurt
him in any way. I can tell he is crazy for me though, but I
am not so sure I feel that way about him. I don't know why.
Maybe it's me.
I was sort of but not really seeing this other guy who
also lives near where I will be living in a couple of
weeks. But then he decided he just had too much going on
his life and didn't want to talk to me while he works his
way through it. whatever. I actually thought he really
cared about me. A week before he said that he was asking me
if I thought this long distance thing would be worth a try
for us (especially since it would have been only 2 months,
at most), because he thought it was. He told me he did not
want me dating other guys, because he wanted me. I guess
he was lying. He had me fooled. I guess he wasn't such a
wonderful guy after all, rather he was just the
typical "dick head" who only has one thing on his mind. I
told him I would lose his numbers so if he ever wanted to
talk to me again he could contact me. so far, he hasn't
called. Oh well. Life goes on. Even though I really did
care about him as a person alot and I kinda still do. I
wonder if he actually realized how much I cared. Maybe not,
since he seemed pretty clueless when it came to dating and
girls in general (Though it seems that most men are, I
guess.) I guess you could say I was a little heart-broken,
but at least I am healing quicker than I would have
expected. I don't even know that i would give him another
chance if he did decide to call me back. I am starting to
doubt whether he ever actually was that really great and
wonderful guy I thought that he was and I am also wondering
if he is even worth my time. My guess is the longer he
waits to call me back the less chance there is of me
getting back together with him, whether I live there or not.
ok, well I guess I am going to write in my real journal
now. I think I have bored my readers (if I have any!)
enough with my life for one night. I am still not used to
this so that is why everything is sort of vague. I know
there are some crazy people out there anyways. Maybe
eventually I will warm up to this online journal a little
better and at least put some of my poetry on this site. but
I think for now, I feel more comfortable keeping it in my
leather journal along with my innermost thoughts and