jtdarkly

Mirror's Infinity
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2001-03-26 04:54:16 (UTC)

ok.. so I already wrote one..

ok.. so I already wrote one today I know.. but somehow I
feel like I left it too open.. so I have to come back. Now
on Marc...well yes I have this strange subtle obessesion
with him....But I have to say that unlike any other time in
my life where I felt similarly...I can turn it off with
him. I do get this uncontrollable urge sometimes to touch
him..but when I dwell on it.. I know how stupid it is.. I
mean 1) Although he is actually pretty responsible for his
age (job/school and all) he can be a little too into
himself..I don't think him a bad person for it.. just that
it takes some time to be able to empathize with other
people and then do something about it even when it isn't
easy for you... 2) I don't think we have very much in
common...other than the friendship we have and share....3)
I could never meet his physical requirements in a
boyfriend...God did not hang me like a horse (thank you).
On the plus side of the consideration....I am older.. he
likes to feel stable and taken care of..which is sort of my
situation already with Drew but I think Marc will always be
more independent with his money from what little he has
said about his family life. He also likes an intelligent
man..although neither of us becomes very intelligent when
we see each other..cause it usually involves drinking or
the clubs neither of which raises your perceived IQ.
Anyways...I am happy to be his friend. And I think he has
that sort of effect on most people he meets cause he has
that boyish good looks... Now ...when we get away from the
superficial looks stuff.. Josh and I are actually closer to
matching....cause we share some interests...his quarky
humore while interesting takes some getting used to.. in a
lot of respects he is a lot like Drew. Except he seems to
know how to clean better (Drew is lets just say messy to be
kind)...and also.. he is fairly motivated in his job. Drew
is still searching for his niche. Actually when I think
about the looks he actually possess some characteristics
that I find extremely attractive at least historically.. he
is blond and blue eyes...which I just melt for....He is a
little on the tall side though.. but so is drew and I have
adapted to it. See isn't interesting to hear me weigh out
the qualities of my friends from a dating perspective?
NOT... I know.. but it helps me so if you are reading..
sorry to bore you so. Anyways.. so with Josh I have also
been aching to spend some time with him.. or talk with
him.. but ever since our little ...hmm...intimate
encounter...It seems strange to do that anymore.. I feel
stupid. I don't really know how he feels about it either.
I think we share a mutual attraction obvious from the
alcohol aided encounter...but neither of is really willing
to explore it at length. I guess all and all.. lately I
have been sort of whorish..or as they would say a 'dirty
butt' but that is mostly cause I am so unhappy that I am
trying to fill the unhappiness with anything I can..which
really doesn't help to solve the problem probably just
complicates more and more. I should grow some balls and
end it with Andy outright instead of this thing that I am
doing to both of us...well that we are doing to both of
us... I do love him...but here comes the cliche..I don't
think I am in love with him....at least not right
now....maybe we could start over sometime..and it would
happen again.. but I have so much ..resentment right now...
I think I need to get out all these feelings.. the
attractions for other guys...the resentment.. the unsurety
of what I want and expect in relationship..etc.
Ugh....financially I just keep getting farther and farther
behind...and I can't make Drew understand that I need him
to start pulling his weight at least. he is too busy
planning for when we move and all the while thinking.. we
may not be moving to the same place in the same apartment.
He truly believes it will get better when we move.. I don't
see it happening though.. I think it will get worse.. cause
one of the annoying hangups I have now is willingness to
clean. I think once we move on our own that will get
worse..cause my mom wont be around ..and she is more of a
fanatic about the cleaning so it gets done more
often...when drew and I lived in the apartment..it got
really scary bad...as far as the cleaning was going.. cause
I had like school...my TA assignments/grading...and work to
do programming... so I had no time really...and he wasn't
even working really...and nothing got done. ugh.. it
sucked..and I start getting really bitchy when things
around me aren't clean for extended periods of time....Our
room now.. well I don't like to go in there some days. I
have cleaned it a couple of times.. got it real nice.. but
it is useless...cause Drew doesn't clean up his glasses..or
throw out his garbage..or take care of his dirty clothes..
it goes on me most the time....which reminds me I need to
do the board we talked about.. and write a letter shoot I
better go now and stop rambling on.


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