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2001-11-16 22:10:19 (UTC)

Movie previews make me cry....

It's the wierdest fucking thing... nothing makes me vry,
you know that. But get a platicine lump with a glowing
fucking finger up on the screen and I cry like the bombs
just dropped on hiroshima. I can't figure it out. Does it
mean that I'm so disconnected form my emotions that the
only thing that can bring them out is hollywood hype? Is
90 seconds the longest I will allow myself to experience
tough emotions? The fact that the fucking E.T. kid made me
loose it makes me thing there might be something to the
crisis I had on shrooms that night... It's as if my 8 year
old self is inside me, banging on my brain with an action
figure and shouting: "holy fuck, what's going on here?!
I'm scared shitless and you're not getting away with it!".
What are these issues I haven't dealt with? What is
keeping me fixed in this perpetual haze of dirty socks,
cheap beer and paralyzing apathy? My greatest fear right
now is that I'm never going to be able to break through
this fucking glass ceiling. Me below, and a responsible,
functioning world on the other side. Do I have to hit rock
bottom before I can figure out how to self-motivate?! Who
am I kidding? This isn't cheating on a fucking history
test so I can stay up late and talk to my girl on the
fucking phone. This is life. And I'm wasting it.
every fuciking second but I think there's
hope. I guess that's what seperates me from the pill
poppers of the world. I can' be certifiable because I
still havce faith in some nebulous future. Hell at least
I'm writing this down. I NEVER write anything down.
except in 8th grade, remember that? "God I love her, and I
hope that snake in the grass Ashton doesn't yadda yadda
yadda..." It all seems so important in the moment, and I
guess it actually is. I mean, what are you saving yourself
for if you never deliver? so, on that note, God, I'm crazy
about jessica. She gives me hope in myself and my future.
here's to being honest, open, patient and balls to the wall
committed. who knows, it might work.

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