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2001-11-16 17:13:53 (UTC)

i have self respect.

something happened today. somewhat a revelation. im not too
sure whether in the long run, this will prove to be good
but i noe that now im swallowing it a little difficult.

i cant say what it is really about but im somewhat 'glAd'
that i noe abt this.

all i can say is that i have self respect. there have been
times when i look into the mirror and i feel really
disgusted at myself, worst when i get bouts of images
flashin thru my mind. they make me look really despicable
and unworthy. dirtier that the debris frm de streets of
india, dirtier than all de rubbish piled up into one. its
all abt bein 'dirty' inside.

i noe the only consolation to this is dat i admit my
wrongdoings but i noe as much as i want to pretend it never
happened, it had. and it will leave an emotional scar and
will haunt me for the rest of my life.

i wished it ever happened because it caused me a lot of
pain both mentally and physically. but it did. nobody asked
for it it happened. was it for good, or bad, i cant answer.
but it happened. and im honestly ashamed it did but it did
happen. i noe im driving u arnd in circles but i just cant
come clean abt it.

at least im trying my best to get over it and not pretend
it never happen.

no matter how dirty and disgusting and despicable it was,
it took place and i played a part.

i just have to deal with it. i just ddont noe whether i have regrets
or not. or am i contradictin to what i say?