once again
2001-11-16 06:43:50 (UTC)

so this is myself

Robert put himself in the hole today. He had to work the
day shift and was off tonight. I waited all day for him to
get off and he gives me attitud (1) while he was at work,
even though he told me to call. (2)He gets off and takes
him an hour and a half to call me back. (3)He too tired to
see me but tells me if I want I can come over but he feels
bad asking me because he's tired and I'll only stay a few
minutes. So I tell him it's no problem and we try figuring
out when he'll se me next if I don't come over and we
realize that for the next week in a half we're packed and
then I goto Florida. THen he has the balls to ask me if
I'm going to sleep with Shawn and I tell him from what I
see right now no because he lied to me and I don't want to
put my emotions in the whole because of physical shit. He
wouldn't believe me and I told him that he had no right to
ask because we weren't together and he doesn't want to even
think of a relationship with me until I'm 21. So I end up
seeing him and he didn't invite me in...we sat in my car
for 10 minutes and when I told him I was pissed because of
the whole 20/21 issue he tried desperately to make himself
look good. I know damn well that Nicole was in that
apartment. I'm so angry that he can tell me what his
feelings will prohibit us from doing but when I turn him
down to spend the night he gets upset. WHy do you want me
to spend the fucking night if we aren't going anywhwere
else until I'm atleast 21? That's not what friends or even
people who see each other do. Atlest in my book that's not
how it works. So I realized that The 2 hour talk Jason and
I had last night made sense. I don't need to live
according to others and I need to find myself before I let
anyone puts limits on me and a relationship. He was so
right and I'm so grateful for that talk. I realized what I
did tonight and the way I stood up for what I feel was me
getting out a little bit more. I'm learning right now how
to be one again and that I have to thank SHawn for. It's
good....these last 2 years I forgot I could think of myself
first and not feel bad. I didn't feel bad tonight and when
and if I see Robert tomorrow, I'm going to let more out.
I'm pretty sure I'm not going to wait and see what occurs
with him. I love Shawn and I think of Shawn and until he
gets here or until we're over (if that's what's meant to
be) I will not be anything more to Robert then a friend and
Sex isn't an option. Right now I have no desire to sleep
with him. I'm wanting sex period but that's not what I
need to do with him. I've found myself this is
me. Take it or leave it.