the one who got away

lost somewhere inside of me
2001-11-16 05:16:28 (UTC)

its all peachy until i open my mouth

i hate this feeling
confusion beyond belief ....oh and then there is all this
crap running through my head and i hate it as well
none of this makes any sense any more....
one minute i think we are one thing and the next minute im
having to retract my statement....
im so close to disappearing again...its getting me no where
to be here other than frustrated and more tense..
im so scared im gonna lose him yet i cant really lose what
i dont have right?
i just wanna scream.....i love him so much but i have so many doubts
like #1.) does he really love me or is he just saying it b/c he
thinks its what i want to hear
#2.) b/c i wont have sex is that gonna make it more difficult for us
to be together..i mean he is a guy thats already had sex....they like
sex....i know he wont pressure me into it that just makes me
think he'll go to someone else ...but i dont want to think that b/c
its wrong to make a judgement like that

he is the only one i have ever been able to see myself spending the
rest of my life with so far.....and there are only a couple of people
who know this... him NOT being one of them until now...which is fine
but what of he freaks out and decides thi isnt what he wants after all
not that he wanted it in the first place

im so confused......i just want some type of sign i guess youd say
something to tell me that we are WE and that right now we are just in
as i say stop mode ...not moving forward not moving backward...
i need that clarity but then again i dont want to classify anything
and i know he doesnt want to b/c he isnt completely sure that this is
what he wants

sigh----now that you are as confused as i am im gonna say good night
i just really needed to vent and i have to a couple of people but it
all wouldnt come out b/c of others but you know i guess it doesnt
matter love all

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