Revalations of a hippie
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2001-11-16 05:13:32 (UTC)

back up and running 11-15 8:49 pm

Hello again,
well I messed things up again bigtime off and online, I
erased a computer file and crashed my computer, almost 2
weeks later I'm back finally, I suprised myself and
actually fixed it myself....without help. On the other hand
my life seems to constantly crash and rise... stock market
style is how it seems, I finally got a car, a beautifull
clean car 1990 suburu.....yay I'm sooo happy now I am
mobile and not forced to stay home and play cinderella...
on the social side I'm serious lagging my one friend who's
about 15 years my senior is pissed that I'm afriad and
unable to break my patterns, I have a tendency to ball up
and hide away from problems, my fear of being rejected I
suppose makes me afraid to be honest about my feelings and
she is hurt that I take too much and don't give away as
much as her side of this freindship, I hate the way she
tallies up what favors we do and expects all this work in
exchange.. I help her with her kid, laundry and expect
nothing back...her whole life is about money and expanding
her wallet, treating me like a commodity/slave that just
broke her chains and ran off. And its really hard for me to
own my problems, I have a low self esteem from being
treated like a idiot and being abused, I work thru it just
like everybody else and it hurts that she thinks she can
control me like everything else in her life....and she
still expects me to appoligize,In the last 5 years years
I've hit a snag, I copnsidered bright but college was
terrible for me, soo I quit 2 years in...never been
acknowledged for it because I quit..but I'm smart...too
many years of absuing myself I guess has made lazy, but I
want to get better and know I'm not perfect..I just wish I
could convince others that I'm just as sensitive and not
this hard shell that they think because I hide my feelings,
doesn't mean I'm devoid of feelings. time to do somthiung
about it, I've been trying to get a idea of what I want,
being a pisces is terrible, can't make up my mind about
anything. I'm thinking of going to this holistic college
and studying reiki and massage, I'm good at helping others
and It will give me some financial backing if I choose to
change after.hmm well I'm off to bed. later.

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