2001-11-16 04:38:59 (UTC)

Mmmm, silence

The people upstairs are vacuuming...now it sounds like they are fucking
rearranging their whole apartment. Thanks for waiting until night when everyone is
trying to sleep, fuckheads...I'm pretty sure they're going to fall through the roof.

I had a good night though. Somehow about six girls ended up in the shop talking
about pregnancy and babies and other girly stuff. It was great, I haven't had that in
awhile, and I respected most of these girls. The night would have been a whole
lot better if fucking Smooth Texture wouldn't have showed up. I have never hated
anyone more. As soon as she turned the corner, I saved up everything I was just
about to say so I could talk over her when she opened her mouth. I was glad
when she left. She has nothing intelligent to say whatsoever...she is book smart,
I'll give her that. But anything smart that comes out of her mouth is a fact,
something she read, something she heard...She has no intelligent opinions
though, or thoughts that she put together herself. None. So therefore I feel that
she is not smart. She's a fucking idiot to be exact.

The girl came in today...the girl I talked about yesterday, who wrote the fucking
note about the shop being not "aesthetically pleasing" and not professional
looking, but who wants to be paid earlier than everyone else. So she wants my
sister to be professional to the point where it suits her, but she wants her to be
unprofessional and do her a special favor. She can't have it both ways.

I don't think she'll be talking to me anymore. I said exactly what I felt and it felt
wonderful. I wasn't nice to her because I felt that I had to be, like I usually do. I
treated her like the fucking little child that she's acting like and it felt wonderful. I
thought she was going to cry, and I didn't give a shit, because what I was saying
was vindictive and mean, it was just the truth. I wanted to say a whole lot more,
but there was a customer there. I should have anyway though, because that's
what she fucking did to me yesterday. She yelled at me in front of the whole store
for her not getting paid and I don't even have anything to do with that. It was
pretty obvious that she was doing it mostly to impress her girlfriend, who was
tagging along as usual. But it was highly inappropriate, and if she wants the
business to be professional, then she should fucking make it professional and not
throw a hissy fit in front of the customers. We have proof that she lied about what
hours she worked, that she left before she was supposed to on several
occasions...She doesn't deserve any special treatment.

I have taken over the role of the "bad guy" in this situation, but it's good, because
no one would have otherwise. And someone certainly needs to be the one to be
outright and honest and say the fucking truth, because God knows no one else is
doing it. Everyone is bitching behind people's backs and then acting all nice to
their faces. But I will bitch behind people's backs and say it straight to their face as
well, because I don't give a shit what people here think of me. This town is fucked
up. The people are fucked up. I guess in many ways I'm fucked up too.

I was never the bitch before, so I'm relleshing in it. I have my friends here, and I'm
loyal to them, and I won't kiss anyone's ass and I don't take shit from anybody.
That is so fun to say, because it's never been true before. Somehow living here
changed me. I just met so many stupid assholes here that I lost respect for most
of humanity. I don't want to deal with anyone's shit anymore because I'm tired of
dealing with things that don't matter at all in the great scheme of things.

I feel like there is something wrong with me, like I have way too much rage built up
inside me, because I always used to want to make sure I was nice to everyone
and I would be sweet to anyone no matter what. I don't know if I've outgrown that,
if I'm more mature and less naive now, or if it's just the opposite and this is me
being even more immature. I tend to think it's not so much immaturity, because I
don't go out of my way to make people feel bad, even though sometimes I want
to. It's just that now I say what's on my mind and I'm honest and if people are
wrong, I'll tell them I think so. I am not going to go out and say to someone,
"You're a stupid fucker, that's not right at all!" I don't want to go around and crush
people's feelings just because maybe I don't like them. I just am not willing to
deal with bullshit anymore.

Whenever I write in this, I always think it makes it seem like every day is a bad
day for me, or that I'm always depressed or always angry. But I'm not. I love my
life and I have great friends and I have alot going for me, and I appreciate
everything I've got. I've got a very loving boyfriend and a great family and a
place to live. I'm set. I'm content. I'm happy even.

I want to live in Nebraska on a ranch by myself in the middle of nowhere and revel
in the precious silence and not have to listen to stupid people and have a bunch of
furry kittens to run around and be my friend. I'll let my boyfriend have a house
nearby. I love silence.