Pandora

Victory(?)

11/15/01

12 oz. Chicken Noodle soup
16 oz. (?) Hot Chocolate
11 Doritos
12 oz. Diet Coke

2:47 p.m.
I know my day is only half over (college days are funny like
that) but I'm already proud of myself. I haven't eaten anything but
soup and I feel extremely full right now. I also drank almost a full
bottle of water taking my multivitamins (who says Pro-ana sites
aren't helpful?) and got an A on my POSC midterm. I couldn't be
having a better day unless I had my scale. I wish I could verify
that I was losing weight. I don't know if there's a feeling more
euphoric than stepping on a scale (especially after a bad day) and
seeing that I've lost three pounds.
I love the freedom of not living at home. When I have a whim, I
can just act on it. Diet pills? Run to the drugstore, it's a three
minute walk. Need to spend some time on a treadmill? Change clothes
and run downstairs. It's great. Especially with food. Here I don't
have the problem of trying to hide the Pro-ana sites from everyone
else on the computer at home. And I don't have the temptation of
all the junk food in the house, nor do I have the limitation of
being hungry and being forced to eat what's there; here if I wanna
be on a liquid diet for a few days, I just drink tea, hot chocolate,
eat different soups. And no one bugs me about when/what I eat.
God, I can't wait until summer. Last time I went home my mother
said I looked like I was gaining weight. I love her for that. I had
and I was in the process of losing it, but that comment prevented me
from getting too comfortable in my weight loss. Before it I would've
probably gotten down 30 pounds or so and then stopped. This summer I
plan to be down to around 130. Goal date: July 1st. That gives me
about 7.5 months. That's enough time, I think. I don't know what I'm
down to now, but I'll figure that out when I go home for
Thanksgiving. I think I should be okay about not eating too much; my
only weakness are desserts. But I figure if I only make one banana
pie, I either won't eat more than one slice (`cause that's just
being selfish) or everyone else will finish it before I get to. I
just have to not have any sweet potato pie; once that gets started,
there's no turning back. I plan to utilize the phrase,'I already had
some' quite often. I think I'll get a scale to bring back with me.
I think I'm re-entering the world of disordered eating. I don't
mind; it was good to me the last time I was there. By this time next
year I'd like to be around 118. That's easing into supermodel
proportions. I'll be fine as long as I keep my chest and my thighs
don't start to look like E's; who, as beautiful as she is, has
skinner thighs than I'd prefer; but if all else fails I'll just
weight train to give my thighs shape, if necessary. I keep telling
myself that my body image isn't distorted, because, culturally
speaking, we have different perceptions of beauty to live up to. I
tell myself that my goal isn't to look like T, with her African
frame. I've caught myself thinking that she's too skinny. (Not that
she can help it, that's her build and genetic make-up--she doesn't
gain weight easily). But then there are moments when she's getting
ready to head out to a party or she's thrown on pants and a tank top
and she's beautiful in a way that I'm not even close to (yet) and I
wonder what it is that I truly think. I don't know what kind of
reaction she gets from guys, but I don't even think it's about that
with me. I've noticed that I get the most attention when I feel good
about myself because I give off an air of confidence and guys seem
to be attracted to that. But I'm not really sure what it'll take to
get me feeling like that again. How small will I have to get this
time? Maybe it'll be a two-way thing. Maybe when they start
noticing, I'll start feeling better and maybe I won't even feel the
need to get to 118. But I know that at the beginning of next year,
when I'm not living with my parents anymore, I'll feel the urge
again. I'll need that control, or I'll need to make myself feel
better about something that isn't going the way I want it to. And
I've always made myself feel better about something I can't control
by controlling my weight. That'll always be a part of me.

11:09 p.m.

So I just got back from the concert and it was so great I can't
even hear. I'm told I should have my hearing back in two days or
so...anyway, SO much on my mind right now. I'm about to ramble:

Concert Stuff:
I love college. I love that I get to experience stuff like this for
free. I hate the degradation of women at concerts. I hate that guys
can wild out and we can't; or that they wait for us to wild out
(because they LOVE it) but when we do we become different types of
girls. Let a guy go wild; he's being a guy. Let a girl go wild; now
she's a wild girl. Fuck, what is that?

Home (2):
R is so cute, it's annoying. What the fuck is M doing with this new
chick? She's not good enough for him! Not that I'm the relationship
God or anything, and not that I even know enough about either of
them to make that call, but there it is. I think I'm just doing my
possessive friend thing: I always get really picky about who hooks
up with my guy friends. But it really bugs me to hear him claim her
as His Girl like R claims T. It's not even like she's as good as T.
T is worth the time. T is worth the claim. And I'm dying to ask him
what he's doing, especially since he's said that
(1) He hates that she seems like a follower; this girl seemed to be
able to get her to do whatever she was doing (why does he want a
weak girl?);
(2) He wasn't even looking for a relationship right now; I think he
just wanted to play; and
(3) Wait, what was the third one? I know there was a third one.
FUCK, I'm so hungry I can't even remember, but I KNOW there was a
third one.

Anyway, the point is she's not good enough. Maybe that was the third
one. If he did want a relationship, why her? She's so cute and not
much else. Maybe she's really sweet and funny and charming and
engaging behind closed doors. Whatever. It's his life. It's not like
he's trying to marry her or anything. Okay, why am I tripping off of
M? I think it's just the possessive friend thing. Yeah, I did the
same thing with Brandon and...all his girlfriends, except Lindsay.
And Mel...after awhile. Ah, it's none of my business anyway. And
I'll probably get over it.

Everyone's Partying But Me

So there's a party at this club. I'm not there. I'm sure it's fun,
but I vowed that I wouldn't go to anymore parties until I could
throw on jeans, tie a cotton T-shirt on and look cute. I'm telling
myself that it is sometimes necessary to make sacrifices. The same
way I sacrificed a lot of free time in high school to be able to get
money to come here, I have to sacrifice to look good. Like with
eating. Some things come naturally to people, like me and school.
Other things must be worked at. Thin is an acquired skill. I must
master it. But it's taking so much not to eat the bag of Doritos in
the common area, or pop a bag of popcorn in the microwave. Maybe
I'll throw the Doritos down the trash chute. Or maybe I'll continue
to sit here and chew ice and leave them alone. I should go to bed or
something. I should go running. I should start my paper(s).

More College Stuff
Okay, so not that this started tonight, or this week (because it
actually started in August) but I think I need to take a moment to
talk about JD.
So he's the President of our most important org (to me) on
campus. And he's in my Poly Sci class. And every time I see him I
lament two things:
(1) The double standard existing where guys can move from one girl
to the next and no one questions them as people and girls can be
labeled whores after two guys, no matter how far apart she has sex
with them; and
(2) My status as a virign.
I really don't know what my problem is, or what it is about him, but
I wanted him the first time I saw him. I like to pretend that he
doesn't have a girlfriend, and that she isn't the sweetest person in
the world, but FUCK. (I think it's time to restrict that world from
my vocabulary). I think it has something to do with him being such a
good leader or so smart or such a good person (if he were a dog or
if I heard that he got around I probably wouldn't want him anymore)
but I really wish they would break up so that I could have him. And
I hate that it's to the point where I would take what I could get
(how many girls sleep with guys they're genuinely interested in
because that's all they can get and they're so interested they'll
settle?). I'm almost tempted to go to the frat party tomorrow night
just `cause I know he'll be there. Even though he's attached. And
that's another thing. I LOVE this fraternity. I feel so shallow
saying that, but I do. And seeing him in that damn jacket is adding
to it; maybe it's seeing him Step in that jacket. It wouldn't really
make a difference, though. Regardless of whether or not he pledged
anything I'd still want him. Why am I not cuter? Every fiber of my
being wishes I could take him from her, but that's really not me.
And the worst part is, I don't even really know him. I'm sure he has
no clue what my name is. And I'd love to get to know him, but I know
that would make it worse. Wow, okay I'm gonna stop thinking about
him now.

My Body
I'm really proud of myself today. I'm considering working out again,
but I don't know, because whenever I work out it stimulates my
appetite. Maybe it's all psychological. But I really would rather
not work out and not eat than work out but eat. Eating leads to
binging. And that cancels out all the time I spend on elliptical
machines and stairmasters. Anyway, I'm thinking maybe I should go to
bed so I don't eat anything today; I've been so good. I think maybe
I'll go to a trigger site first.