Sarahbellum

The meanderings of a mind
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2001-11-15 23:04:19 (UTC)

rescue me

When someone commits suicide, it has probably been
coming on for a while. You don't have a perfect life and
one bad thing happens and you hang yourself in the closet.
It builds and builds inside you until you can't breathe and
you don't want to breathe anymore. The pain is so terrible
it kills your spirit before you take the final steps to
take your life. Suicide takes much too long and it's
messy. I'm too weak. I've been crying for a week. Happy
birthday to me. My mom continues to call and I can barely
stand to listen to her. She said today I had an attitude
and I was like ok...because I do. She hurt me. She ruined
my Birthday and I can't stand to talk to her now. She is
still hurting me. I'd like to blame all these tears and
this darkness that threatens to swallow me up on her, cause
it is much easier then to say that it is something IN me.
She doesn't understand. She can blame all the things my
sister does on her bad parenting, and I'm the one that
tells her she is a great mom and that it was just Katrina.
I don't do anything, I'm not a bad person, I just hurt, and
if it isn't her than it's me. She tells me to call her, I
won't. When something happens and I want to tell my mom, I
hold back because I am hurt, and as long as I can sit in
English and find tears clouding my eyes, not because
Shakespeare is so sad, but because I am, I'll curl up in me
and hurt and hurt, and never kill myself, cause this hurt
will handle that for me. I love my boyfriend and he loves
me, and i'm pretending that he is hugging me right now so
it doesn't seem so bad and I won't cry again. He is my
savior, and I know someone it will be he that rescues me.


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