isolatedmadness

three

ok i havent wrote in awhile, mainly because i thought i
could get away with this. sadly, my friend jackie (who i
promised i would do this) tends to check if i have written
in the diary.

lets see, ive been in bed mostly. im in a lot of pain from
the surgery now. my pills are gone that they gave me from
the hospital, so any type of moment tends to kills. i have
a prescription, but i cant move without being in a hell of
a lot of pain so i cant get my pills. things would be a
hell of a lot different if i were living with my sister
right now.

which brings me to my next little complaint. she still
doesnt want me to live with her. she flat out said it this
time i called. appearantly she met this new guy while i was
in florida. he seems like an asshole. he told her it would
be good for my nephew not to have a person who depressed
around him. WHAT THE HELL DOES HE KNOW ABOUT MY NEPHEW?!
not a god damn thing. she knows that when im around him,
even though i dont like kids, i love being around him. i
use to always sit there and mess with him until hed like
shit in his diaper then id just pass him off to my sister
to change him. i spent awhile watching him too. i had to
take him a bath, feed him all hours of the night, dress
him, change him and when he was sick give him his little
baby tylenol. i did most to the taking care of him because
my sister either is doing rounds in the er for school or
shes out with her little friends. if you havent noticed,
its like im his damn father instead of his uncle. it really
pisses me off that she sat there and agreed with the guy
especially since i spend most of the time with my nephew. i
told her all this too and she just "thanks for helping
out".

BULLSHIT! i did a lot more than help out. the kid is
attached to me too. he hated when shed pick him or
anything. it would always have to be doing me shit since she
was rarely with him. when she was home all she would do is
start fights with me. i could be sitting in my room talking
to my girlfriend and out of no where she will pick
something to fight about. "you didnt take out the trash,
why is your shirt on the floor!" and id say "ok ill do it"
and once i came back in shed start with something else and
make it all huge. shell keep pushing me and pushing me so i
would go off on her. she knew exactly what to say to get me
to blow up. her friend robin got tired of seeing my sister
be like that towards me that even she ended up yelling at
my sister for treating me like shit along with other
friends of hers. so now she wants me to just go and get an
apartment which is funny cause she knows that i tend to get
suicidal, well i am, so me living on my own wouldnt be the
best thing for me to do now.

alright, im done with her.

i havent spoken to my girlfriend for a couple days. i hope
shes not worried. ive been in so much pain that i just
wanted to lay in bed, i still would be, but it gets boring.
the last time i talked with her, i got a little annoyed
that i was doing all the talking. i dont know why cause its
usually like that anyway. ive gotten use to it too, so i
dont mind much. i guess cause im always spilling my guts to
her and i usually have to wait til she does something or be
some psychic to figure out something is going on with her.
i guess thats why i tend to get annoyed once and awhile,
weve been together for like 2 years so i dont see how it
can be difficult for her to open her mouth to me and tell
me something is bothering her or something is going on at
home. i also get pissed cause it makes me feel like shit. i
can sit there and tell her everything thats going on and i
dont know shit thats going on with her unless its over and
done with or like i said she does something like snap at me
for me to notice something going on with her at home, so i
feel like shit she doesnt even tell me. it can be the
littlest thing too, ive told her that, i honestly dont
care. if she were to be all "oh babe im going to get
another piercing" or "i hate my mom!!" at least its
something!! i guess thats why i get annoyed. theres also a
couple times ive seen her all talking to her friends and
one of them bust out saying something about a piercing or a
damn pet and i sit there all "how the hell does she tell
them stupid things like that and not even tell me a single
thing". ive told her this a couple times before. she always
says "i never talk to them" which its weird cause my point
of view..um yeah she does. then her guy friends, the times
ive been around her with them, think its funny to say
sexual shit to her in front of me like its not going to
bother me. i never say anything to her, i just leave. a
couple of them are cool, they dont say anything to me but
they dont say anything sexual towards her around me, like i
have witnessed a few times with some of her other stupid
guy friends. then she wonders why i get all "do you still
care about me" cause shit her guy friends seem to fuckin
like her or try to flirt with her and the stupid thing they
did was do it in front of me. she knows it bothers me she
has shit to them before for doing that, but still a guy
cant help but wonder "does she still care about me" after
seeing shit like a couple times. you cant help wondering
which one is actually fucking around and which one actually
has a thing for my girlfriend. this is things ive kept
quiet on for awhile. since im pissed to know end right now
im just going to let it all the hell out. it would be nicer
to be able to punch a punching bag or something than
writing all this down. i had my share of my girl friends she
hated and frankly i stopped talking to them. theres one, kristine
that still tries to say hi and stuff i just say hi back and
keep the conversation short. so basically the only people i
actually talk with is my best friend jackie and my
girlfriend.

anyway, sometimes i dont think my girlfriend has the
slightest idea how much i care about. the funny thing, i
cant tell her much either. if i do i usually get "oh ok" so
i have no fucking clue what is going on in her mind after i
say things to her, so when she does the "oh ok" it feels
like she just blows off whatever i say or doesnt care much
for it. then it makes me feel like grabbing her and
say "WILL YOU TELL ME WHAT THE HELL YOURE THINKING OR
FEELING!!". anyway, i plan on marrying her. we have a
pretty good relationship we dont really fight. lately we
have, i guess cause both of us have shit going on we take
it out on eachother, but theres really not much fighting
with us. the only problem is she doesnt say what shes
thinking or feeling. i wouldnt mind telling her "hey i plan
on marrying you" without making it seem like im messing
around or at least say something else to her to let her no
im serious, which i doubt i could cause thats a bit nerve
wrecking to sumwhat propose but not really. i just dont
want to see another "oh ok" from her, so i think ill just
keep my mouth shut about the marryin thing. im sure when im drunk one
day itll probably pop out my mouth to her. although, i wouldnt want
to do it while drunk, but its better than being sober and her
saying "oh ok". if im drunk i dont care much i dont pay
much attention to it like when im sober. *sigh* i dont
know. ill figure something out. lol anyone with ideas?

anyway, thats it for now.