The Nightshade Princess
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2001-11-15 22:15:12 (UTC)

if a poem could fix this home...

I spent the day in silence, or as near it as
possible. To my spiritual family, there were a few, short
words so that they knew I was alright in the most basic
sense. A few people noticed, but I told them with my hands
that I wasn't going to say anything at all. I joked with
LesTaT in the very beginning of the day, but after that I
just... didn't see the need for speech, no matter how often
I was begged or questioned. It did not matter. There
could be no simple, spoken words for what has broken. Most
of those who asked really did not want to know, and even if
I could tell them, I would weep anew.
Three days have I wandered this place, devoid of
warmth, raining. In my mind's eye, the nightmare takes
form. I close my eyes and I can see the embodiment of all
this horror. I feel the cold breeze sweeping all of my
exposed flesh, and even beneath the thin, short clothing I
wear always. The rain, such a deep blue as to be nearly
black, soaks everything, stings like ice. A vague,
sourceless glow has filled the space... I still don't know
where I am. There are no walls, nor are there any other
boundaries. The ground is neither natural nor unnatural.
It seems almost like hard hard foam or sand of a lovely
choarcoal black. I look up to see thick, ominous clouds
the deep, sombre blue-grey of my room... almost unnaturally
blue. An unnatural, hollow scream rises as I am struck by
a blast of the winter wind. Deep, demon-growls rumble from
overhead. I try to escape this, but the horizon is
infinite. With a thousand screams, all in dreadful unison,
the ground splits before me. The wound soon fills with the
drops of deep blue rain. I kneel down to wash my dirty
hands in the pure water. I close my eyes and let the water
lap sweetly over the white flesh. The water feels so warm
and soothing. I smile, and soon open my eyes... and I
scream - the water has become blood. The earth shakes and
I fall into the hot blood river, weeping. I drown, and my
eyes open once more.
I know now I can tell my mother nothing of what
happens in my father's house. My spiritual family,
including my beloved, is all I have left, and even the
closest of these could get few words from me this day. I
love you all, and I am truly sorry... I wish to hurt no
one, but even when I try to fix this, someone ends up
wounded. Whever explanation I could have given any of you
would not have been enough to express how I feel or why.
It would have sounded simple and certainly nothing new... I
guess there is just something wrong with me. Isn't
everything the way it should be, the way it always was? I
don't exist... I don't deserve to be any sort of presence
in my father's home, nor my mother's. I guess I am truly
not good enough...

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