Infiniterocker

forgetting yourself

So I was thinking about my whole.."When Shonee comes back
everything will be OK" and I think it's because I'm so
worried about Alex. It's like When Shonee comes down we all
have such a great time..but then when he leaves Alex gets
almost hostile..and it's like...we try...we really try try
try to reconnect with her. But she always has something
bugging her about one of us.. usually me. I just don't
understand how she can let little things take control of
her liek they do. She lets the hate everyone puts out
completely control her. I don't evne know what I'm saying.
I have no clue. I'm just talking out of my ass..well
Ever time Shonee comes back it's like she gets worse when
he leaves ..so I know Shonee coming back would obviously
help Alex in more ways than one..Damn I'm good at stating
the obvious..aren't I? I'm such a dumbass. Alex just can
get really pissy..and it pisses me off. It's like I only
try and be nice to you..I can't even always tell you what
the fuck is going through my mind because you will take
such offense to what I could say...And when I try and have
a normal conversation with you..you're either nice Alex..or
Alex who turns everything that I say around...and makes me
look like a selfish dumbass that can't even see the
obvious. The sad thing is I REALLY like Alex..but because
of her moods..and not ever knowing what she's going to be
like...makes me have to walk on eggshells around Alex..and
she's the only one here *besides Jason of course* who even
undesratnds anything going through my head..I thought it
was mutual. But sometimes I think she just puts up with me
for the same reasons I put up with Candice. I truely look
at her as my best chick friend here. I just don't know how
to go about things with her. She never talks to me anymore
about things that are going through her head..it's almost
like we're putting on a mutual act...of just not discussing
anythign too serious......I don't know what I'M saying I'm
in a weird mood. I'm just worried. I don't want to lose her.
I don't want to lose any of them. Shonee, Alex, Jason and I
all have some wack connection..and I haven't ever had that
with anyone else..in a group I mean..am I making sense? I
just don't want to lose it..because they are all such great
people. I just like being in their presence ...just to feel
them all...nothing needs to be said with us..it's just
known. How many people do you find that all love one
another and get along so well? Because in a sense..we're
all best friends. Even when we're far away in mindset or
distance..it's still there..it can always be brought back.
There is no denying it. But still, I'm afraid.