On the Inside
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2001-11-15 17:12:13 (UTC)

Woke up early 11/15/01

Sometimes when I wake up I just sit there in bed for
about a half an hour and wonder what I'm doing. What is
it that I'm here for. Everyone has to be here for a
reason and I don't know what mine is. You would think
life would be easier sometimes than some of the tests I've
been given, but of course not my avail. I'm always
wondering why I'm stuck being the nice guy, the one who's
always alone. I'm always there for everyone and yet no
one is there for me. People on the outside just don't see
it, they think i'm just depressed or what not, when it
really bothers me. I care about so few a people in my
close area of life. There is my family of course, you
thats pretty much unconditional. Then you come to friends
and lovers. Friends I have but one right now, and even
she feels like she's trying to distance herself from me.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have a heart as big as I do.
I've never really realized just how boring girls are until
I met Jillian, the "exception" might I add. I never asked
for any of the feelings I got when I got to know her, and
frankly wished they wouldn't have developed so fast on me,
the one thing I never wanted to do was scare her off or
something. But you know somethings up when you're
supposed to be hanging out with your other friends, and
all you can think about is how boring they are compared to
someone else (yes her). Like the other day I was over at
a girls house who I previously thought was attractive, and
I know she still wants to get with me, but somehow I've
lost all interest. She's boring, and I'm not just saying
that because one thing is wrong.. there's a lot of things
wrong. Any guy that can get Jillian, would be a blessed
man, and anyone man that ever hurt her, would be dead.
She's like that one angel that you look for your entire
life and you never want to ever let out of your site.
She's strong willed thats for sure, and definately not
someone I would ever take for granted. I can give you a
huge laundry list about why this girl is great... she's
smart, extremely funny, very beautiful (despite her own
claim) the girl likes football... which not only astounded
me but so did the fact that she likes my type of music.
She's into video games, she's into all this awesome
shizit. And i'm left bewildered, of course sure I'm in
love with the girl, and she's told me she just wants to be
friends, in which i respect. But still, it leaves me no
clue as to what to do about my feelings.

The reason is that in all my life, i've met something so
perfect to me. Something so special that made me care
about something as much as I do. And no matter what
happends I don't want to let that go.

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