hello kitty cat
I'm supposed to be typing an outline for my History
class...but or doing something photo related...since I'm in
photo and all....but of course I'm not. I am really happy.
I was just thinking about how happy I am. I really love
Jason. It's pouring outside....I remember the last time it
was raining this hard while I was at school Lee hit a
parked car..and Katy was crying and my cell phone fell in a
puddle. ...HAHA. So last night I hung out with Jason we
watched tomb raider...I thought of Alex of course...I hope
she's all right..well obviously she's not going to be the
best cause she has mumps ..or scarlet fever or something of
that sort. I talked to my Yia Yia last night..she was all
excited...I actually talked to Papou for a long time. I
told him I might be getting a job at Barnes and Noble..and
he was so happy...He had seen Mom. It's funny that I'm
accomplishing more on a daily basis...than my Mother is at
the age of 42....I'm closer to having a job than she is.
Papou said Joe is going to the hospital 3 times a week for
treatment for his diabetes ..so I'm assuming that the crack
is no longer a substitute for his insulin shots. I know
they are dying...I hope I get to see my Mother one more
time before she dies. She's been looking for me my Yia Yia
says...What the hell is that supposed to mean?? I don't
evne know why I bother to think about this shit..it doesn't
do me any good.
I'm almost at a stand still in my life...and at the same
time not at all. I have no clue where I want to go with
anything...I know what I want is impossible to have right
now... I just need to get out of my house...I need to move
on. I have no drive for music right now...well actually I
do..but you see..there is almost like a cloud of
hopelessness above my head...it makes it so hard to
focus...to try try try. It feels like anythign I touch will
go to shit so there is no use in trying..I know that's
insane of me to say..but it's how I am at the moment.
Then there are those little things you ask yourself..
like if I could change a few things in my day..to make
myself happier what would they be...
and then I thought what would my day be if I could have it
I woudl be able to wake up next to Jason at 11 in a clean
house with out my father or brother or anyone...
eat melon for breakfast..
the sun would be shining through the open windows
and I could go work out...
then take a nice shower...in a CLEAN bathroom
DRIVE myself in MY car to whatever classes I needed to go
Go to a job I enjoyed...and get paid enough to live
You know I don't even want to write anymore about that..
because that's impossible right now.
So I don't want to think about it.
I wonder when Shonee will be able to move down here.
For some reason I have this idea in my head that if Shonee
lives here ...things improve greatly...
It's just a feeling I have, I think things will be so much
better if he lives here.
I'm so lucky though. I shouldn't be thinking about what I
want. I should be seeing how lucky I am to be living well
off..and not having to worry..to have a boyfriend that I
love ...I'm pretty healthy...I'm living in a safe place and
going to a pretty alright high school education
wise..actually this school is pretty shitty..but at least
it's safe. haha.
I have a lot.