Pandora's Box
2001-11-15 09:54:20 (UTC)



1 handful grapes
1 Cup o Noodles
1 small hot chocolate
1 banana
2 french fries
1 Rolo

So it's 1:25 in the morning; why am I still awake? Oh, right.
I'm not supposed to eat less than three hours before I go to bed and
I'm punishing myself for the noodles I had at 10:30. Besides, I have
a headache and a lot on my mind. I should be reading the 60 pages I
need to read before my 8:00 class tomorrow; or the 12 pages left
before my 11:00 class, but since there's no way I'm going to finish
before class, I've opted not to bother. Typical freshman.

I really don't like loving others when I hate myself. specially
when I'm falling in love and hating my body (boy, those two just go
together). I faced all three of those issues today.
(1) My body
Ah, the daily act of lamenting the fact that my figure isn't
what I want it to be, isn't what it used to be and that I'm not
living up to my potential to be a real knockout. I should be. It's
in my genetic code. My mother was gorgeous when she was in college.
My father was good looking too. Why am I fat? It isn't just the
Freshman 15 (or 20, in my case). I needed maintenence before the
extra pounds. I'm happy to be charismatic, intelligent; happy to
exude the confidence that doesn't exist. I'm happy to be sweet,
happy that people feel they can open up to me because I'm a good
listener and always have something insightful to say. Why can't I be
beautiful too? I'm sick of inner beauty; I've got lots of that, but
it's being overshadowed by self-hatred. And I don't really hate
myself, just my hips. And thighs. And stomach and butt
(2) J
I say (2) but he really is number one in all the ways that truly
count. I don't think I've felt this way about anyone. I'm young, but
still. I don't know if I want him because he's so incredible and
smart and all the things I wish I were, or if it has something to do
with the fact that he's almost un-have-able, but I love him just the
same. I'm going to love him even if I don't get him (and I use 'if'
as if I have a shot; no one does, really). I don't know why he's
resolved to not have relationships or women ever(?) (again) but I
wish he would re-think his resolution. And I'm sure he would, given
the right incentive. I think I resent the fact that I'm not an
incentive. So I've resolved to just be around him when I can (he
lives down the hall) even if everyone else has begun to joke about
how I 'live there' If they felt this way about him, they'd move in
(3) I'd Probably Better Not Go There, But I'm Gonna Love Him Soon...
Wow. Beauty. Joy. Love. Strong. Inspiration. Charisma. Insight.
Drive. I'm going to stop now because I'm beginning to sound like a
groupie. If I didn't love his girlfriend so much, I'd hate her. I
wish he weren't so attractive. I wish he weren't such a good person.
If he were at least cocky about how smart and good-looking he is, it
would take away from it and maybe when he and I are deep in
conversation I wouldn't be fighting the urge to unzip his pants.
It's really not all physical, though. I have this re-occurring
dream where he asks me to marry him, casually over lunch, and I say
yes and we smile and continue about as if he's asked me what time it
is. Maybe it has to do with him saving himself for, I
really would love to be married to him. He'd be fun and we could
talk forever about religion and music and philosophy and life and
he'd be a great dad because he likes kids so much and when our kids
were teenagers we could tell them about how we waited until we were
married and lost our virginity to each other and how it was so
beautiful that if they didn't do the same they'd be missing out on
one of life's great joys...I really wish he would propose. Except
that I don't want him to break up with his girl. She's great and
they're great together and really happy and I'd be upset if anyone
came between the two of them. Ever. If they got married it would be
beautiful, except that I would envy her a lot, but in a way that it
wouldn't detract at all from my happiness for them; how strange. I
think if it ever doesn't work out between them I'm going to tell him
how wonderful he is and how much I love him and how I would've given
him the world if he were mine, hypothetically speaking, of course. I
suppose in the meantime I shoud stop hanging out in his room (he
also lives down the hall. Next to J). I would hate for my love of
him as a friend to combine with my lust for him as a guy and crush
on him and turn into some monster that consumes me and makes me jump
him the next time he says something sweet.

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