Me and X
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2001-11-15 06:16:07 (UTC)

losing everything.

guess what?
i saw x this weekend.. thats right.. i decided to just go
down there and see him. things between him and i went very
well.. they are filing for divorce tomorrow.

but you know what.. it doesnt matter... it doesnt matter at
all because things have gotten worse.
much worse.
have you ever felt like you lost everything.. i mean
everything.. your friends, your family, yourself?
well im almost there.. i am not there. .but i am almost
there. my family found out (yet again) that i was down
there with him.. i came back last night and spent the night
at a friends.. i havent gone back to my apartment accept for
one time when i knew both my roomates would not be there.. i
have been trying to avoid them. my brother told me that i
am kicked out of the apartment. . i havent talked to my
roomate yet to find out for sure. but i know that i am..
they cant take this anymore.. nor can my parents.. so im
also almost positive im dishoned .my parents do not want to
talk to me right now. they have not called.. and the onyl
one from my family i am talking to is my brother.. who is
just bullshit. i blew off my shrink.. im going to go see
her tomorrow. i have made a terrible situation worse.
as it stands... i am probably going to have to drop out of
school. move out of my apartment.. and ive lost a lot of
friends.. or rather.. i have given up a lot of friends
because these are my own choices.
x wants me to move down there and be with him. but... then
theres n still in the picture until she can afford to move
out. atleast they will be legally seperated. i was just on
the phonew ith him a few minutes ago and she picked up..
ugh.. i hung up after i listened to them argue a little. so
i go down to where hes at for what.. to get an apartment by
myself, be by myself accept for when he can be with me.? no
friends no job..
yes.. thats actually waht i want. .can you believe that? i
almost hope that i am cut off completely so that i can just
rid everyone of me... so that people dont have to deal with
my shit anymore. but these people love me and despite
whether or not they want to deal with my shit they will..
because i am family. you dont turn your back on family.
but i have. i lied and hurt them so much..
either way im fucked.. or as my brother said.. "you fucked
with no place to live, no money for school, losing all my
friends, and my parents not wanting to take me back for a
long long time what am i to do? go down there and be with
him? we shall see what time has in store for me.
ive been thinking about just going into the air force.
i miss x.. and im tired and afraid of going back to my
apartment. im afraid of talking to my roomate, im
definately kicked out. ugh this sucks.i got what i asked
for though. i wonder if things will ever work out.
for now i am tired.. and i guess i have to leave the school
library and walk into the flames


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