driftwood

like a cat

SEE THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH 'ONLINE JOURNAL WRITING'; I
JUST STEPPED AWAY FROM MY COMPUTER DIARY TO ANSWER A PHONE
CALL AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I LOOK UP AND MY DIARY ENTRY IS
GONE, GONE IN CYBER SPACE. SO HERE I GO AND WRITE AGAIN.
NOT REALLY IN THE MOOD ANYMORE AS I ALREADY VENTED OUT MY
SOUL AN HOUR AGO, AND NOW IT IT LOST.
ANYHOW J IS HOME, I WAS KIND OF WAITING FOR HIM TO COME
HOME BUT NOW I RATHER HIM LEAVE. BUT THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE AS
WE LIVE TOGETHER. I WONDER IF I WOULD LAST IF THIS WAS A
WHOLE YEAR SITUATION FOR ME, NOT JUST 5 MONTHS. THATS NOT
TO SAY THAT I WILL NOT MISS HIM WHEN I LEAVE. I WILL
TERRIBLY MISS HIM, HE IS MY BEST FRIEND AND LOVER. TRUELY
HE IS THE BEST THING THATS HAPPEN TO ME. HE'S NORMAL TO SAY
THE LEAST! SO I SHOULD BE HAPPY WHEN I HAVE SUCH A GOOD
THING. YET I GET SO ANNOYED AT THINGS, LITTLE THINGS-
PROBADLY BECAUSE I HAVE A COMPLUSION DISORDER--HA HA,JOKE.
ANYHOW LETS HOPE I CAN SURVIVE TILL FEBURAY.
IT WAS MY SISTERS BIRTHDAY THIS WEEK AND I DID NOT EVEN
CALL HER, I JUST DID NOT HAVE THE ENERGY TO DEAL WITH HER.
HOWEVER, NOW I FEEL LIKE SHIT,I FEEL GUILTY THAT I DID NOT
EXPRESS MY LOVE FOR HER ON HER SPECIAL DAY.WHY DO I DO
THESE THINGS.
TWO MORE WEEKS TILL THE PROCEDURE IN THE HOSPITAL AND
REALLY NOT LOOKING FOWARD TO IT, ALITTLE SCARED. I KNOW ITS
NOT DANGEROUS BUT I DO NOT WANT THE DISCOMFORT OR PAIN.
THE DAYS HAVE BEEN GOING BY SO QUICKLY IT SCARES ME. I
FEEL THAT I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO BUT I GET NOTHING DONE.
THOUGH I STILL MEET MY DEAD LINES AND PRODUCE GOOD WORK I
FEEL LIKE I AM JUST FLOATING.
I THINK J IS SICK OF HEARING OR SEEING MY DEPRESSION, I
HOPE IT ENDS SOON. I WANT TO REMEMBER HOW IT WENT AWAY LAST
YEAR AND THE YEAR BEFORE THAT. BUT I CAN'T, ITS ALL A BLUR,
IT JUST WENT AWAY. I STARTED RUNNING AGAIN,I'VE GOTTEN OUT
OF SHAPE AND FEEL THAT MAYBE RUNNING WILL CHANGE SOMEHING
IN MY HEAD. I'LL KEEP HOPING AND KEEP RUNNING. WELL SINCE I
WROTE SOMETHING ALREADY FOR TODAY BUT IT WAS LOST I FEEL
LIKE THIS IS ENOUGH RANTING SO I WILL END IT NOW.