My Journal
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2001-11-15 01:51:11 (UTC)

Sometimes I just get so sick.....

Sometimes I just get so sick...

It feels like there is nothing I can do, nowhere I can

Sometimes I honestly almost feel like dying.

Just too much....too much in my life. I'm dragged down, and
there's nothing I can do to get rid of it, because it's
everywhere, everywhere, everywhere. It's in every step I
take, every where I look, every gasp of air I breathe, and
I just cry cry cry.....and it's sickening to live in such a
world. Evil exists. Beauty falls, and it falls forever. I
don't want to believe it, but sometimes it really feels
like there is NOTHING I can DO!!! How egotistical am I to
believe that I could actually save the my the lives of countless others. How realistic or
unrealistic is that...Sometimes I wonder, maybe I should
just join them...join a host of horrible, innumerable
minions that lie, cut, swear and deceive. They cut away the
remnants of whatever ties of sanctity and purity might
dwell within them....and then they wallow in their
ignorance, their filth, their multitudes of abominations.
They bathe in the silken luxuries of their awful lusts and
violate eachother in the most profane and vulgar of
circumstances. And by doing this, they violate the world.
They violate peace and sanctity. They violate all that is
holy in this world and the next. They destroy and desolate
their very souls, and they die. It hurts hurts me
so much. I can't live in a world like this. I don't want
to. I've wondered if I should join them...but sometimes,
the answer just returns telling me I'd still be unhappy,
because I know that if I did, I would NEVER FORGET who I
was and what I KNEW....and would be unhappy remembering
it...everyday. So then what am I to do? How am I to escape
this guilty, hopeless world...sometimes I wonder, if the
answer is to DIE. To just lie down, fall asleep...and die.
I love so much....I love my darling so am I ever
to escape it. She won't even hearken to my desires to leave
that former world behind. I don't know what to do. I
honestly wish she would just leave those..."friends". NO
friend of theirs' is a friend of mine....and never will be.
How can I befriend one who looks the other way while I
suffer and bleed so completely and miserably? How can I
pass it off as acceptable to have a friend that would
simply shrug his shoulders at the very acts that wound me,
and have wounded her as well? How can she have a friend
that would do the same to her?? Someone that fraternizes
and happily associates with the very slime that has stolen
her away, and left her empty and devestated, completely
that acceptable??? Just who is she trying to please??? ME??
HERSELF?? Her...."FRIENDS"?!?!?! IT DISGUSTS ME!!!!! And
she makes the claim "but they were my friend's BEFORE I met
him..."....that is NO met him, he ravished you
so completely, as you did him...and then you met me. You
cast him away, but you do not cast away his
friends...or "your friends" as you call them. They are a
part of it. They see nothing wrong with what happened. And
atleast one of them would probably gladly engage in the
same atrocious acts with you. AND YOU CALL THESE YOUR
NOT ACCEPT THEM!! They are so totally in league with
him....he who I revile and despise....he who contaminates
all he sees and converses with, who in turn contaminates
those they converse with. It is CONTAGIOUS. And I am
sickened by cannot be friends with those who are
friends of his. It upsets me....GREATLY. I am so miserable
because of it...

that's all I can say for now....I'm just left...empty now.