Trixie Dust

Trixies in the Wind
2001-11-14 22:34:26 (UTC)


Theres just something i find so totally and utterly amazing
about matt. I mean, this guy is awesome. Like, I have
this huge problem with not being able to say what Im
thinking. Im workin on it ;). But like, i never really
get into waht im really feeling. Im really independant. I
dont like to acknowledge the fact that i need people. I
really dont. Hes like, honest with me. If somethings
bothering him, he doesnt skirt around it, he comes out with
it. I try to avoid it. Im a really talkative person. Ill
gladly debate with you on whatever you want to. I always
have something to say. But not about what Im feeling. I
get really kinda shaky about that. I prefer not to discuss
it. Does that make it the right thing to do, no, but its
easier that way. If something is hard to deal with it, I
ignore it. Like, I was giving matt advice, and im like,
listen to yourself stupid!! Why dont you take it?! Its
like, do waht i say not what i do? Heh?

We digressed about religion today in English. we digressed
from vocabulary, one of our words was atheist. We had a
good discussion, I could see Mrs. Ethridge was getting into
it. Shes one of those that believes in God. “even demons
believe in God, and shudder”. That kind. I think. There
is a difference you know. Its not enough to be like, “yeah
i believe.” Is He in your heart? Can you honestly say
that Jesus is your personal savior? We were talking about,
like, evolution and like the different beliefs. I believe
that yes, we mutate. God gave us that in the form of
adaptation. We adapt to our certain surroundings so we
dont die. Whyd he give us free will? Would you really
want someone to follow you blindly? God wants us to love
him as a choice, to want to live our lives for him, not
feel like we are forced to. I gatta talk to matt more
about religion. I wanna learn more about Catholicism. I
like to knwo about the different religions. Granted, I
believe mine is the right one, because thats what i read
out of the bible. The bible points out Jesus as the
ultimate sacrifice, thus called the lamb. He died so we
dont have to live by the old testament traditions. What ive
noticed gets alot of people is, how can god be perfect and
vengeful? How can he be a loving God that will send you to
peril? God is perfect. He knows all. He sees the
beginning from the end. He knows if you make a mistake.
If you dont live according to his will, he could wipe you
off the planet. He created you, doesnt he have that
right? Out of all the little beings you could be right
now, the millions of possible yous, he made you special, he
made you who you are right now, and he has a plan for you.
IF you choose not to follow that plan, then you wont get
the best he has to offer. If you dont follow his commands,
he will punish you. A father punishes his children not
because he has to, but because he loves them. He is
vengeful and such because he wants what is best for his
children. He wants all to get their just reward. And God
is very straightforward. You cant sit on the fence. If
you are lukewarm, he will spit you out. Meaning, he wants
you full on, or go home. You either live for him or dont.
There is no ’yeah i believe’. Whats your life say? Are
you living for Christ everyday? Honestly, sometimes im
not. A lot of times I live for me, I ignore his commands.
As I do, he allows more and more trouble into my life. I
know waht I want, and thats to be with matt, not to have to
be so far away from him. To see him everyday. But i know
God put it this way for a reason. Who knows, no offense to
Ashley and Will, but maybe that would happen to us if it
werent the way it is now. I know sometimes i dont have
enough self control, and the way things are now are good
for me. I have to pray fro strength each day. I need
him. I miss him. I love him with all my heart. And I
love my God too, and I have to place him foremost in my

Also, youll notice that i leave alot of typos in my
writing. *yes, i have done alot of thinking* I leave this
to remind me im not perfect, and I wont pretend i am.
Unlike steven who thinks he knows all and is god. One day
on the bus, he was talking about how he thought he was
invincable once. IM like, your a freaking idiot. He
thinks cuz he doesnt get sick alot and hasnt broken a bone
hes like, untouchable. Then he got punched in the ribs.
He isnt God anymore. His pride got a little broken. I
think im going to have to flat out reject him. On the bus,
when he gives me that cd, im just going to have to say “you
know, by listening to this cd im not changing my opinion
about matt.” Cuz im not. I dont care waht he says. Im
never finding another love like him.

The fan is humming.

Im going to be on PTN. At lunch stacey was taping us. It
was cool. I got to be stupid. And Joey gave me a back
rub. :-D It was kinda wierd, cuz it was like, Joey, and
we have a history and stuff... but i just blocked it out.
He has a gal, I have a man. ;) Its all good.

Anyhoo, i gasta go alls. Laters.