life in borderspace
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2001-11-14 21:26:46 (UTC)

Things and stuff and things and stuff

Well the countdown is on....I guess I would know more about
when the boy was coming home if he had told me what airline
he flew and what time the plane was suppose to get in. As
it is I have no idea. I find myself feeling a little bit
of dread at the thought of his return. I think because as
I have known for some time now...things are over. I made a
good attempt at pretending to give it a chance, and the
time it deserves, and that I tried to work things out. In
actual fact I have simply been biding my time for months
now. I just wish it wasn't so hard...that I didn't second
guess myself everytime I'd worked up the requisite amount
of courage. This is the stuff I hate....things should be
easier..but they never have been with him. Discussion has
never been an option...not in anything we've ever done...we
just think too different. I think part of my fear is to
not have those who matter to me jump on board as soon as I
break the news. I know they will try to ask if I think
I've done the right thing without even stopping to think
about the amount of thought I have given this decision.
I've thought more about this then what to do with the rest
of my life. It's hard because I think I will need everyone
to immediately be supportive of my decision simply because
I've made it and not because they've weighed the pros and
cons of a situation they know nothing about and have come
to the same conclusion or some way to justify it to
themselves. I need that support because this is the first
entirely selfish decision I have ever made. For the first
time it has nothing to do with them but everything to do
with me. I am turning my back on the one thing I said I
always wanted...a relationship with someone who actually
cares about me. Which he his about me
a lot. I don't love him, not like that, and I'm not sure
how long I've felt that way but it's not fair to anyone. I
think the risk scares me a little too. Even after all I've
said there is a part of me that does care for him a lot and
still wonders if a fix can be found and so I do this not
knowing if it will be the biggest regret of my life. No
matter how much I doubt that that is the case. The logical
part of me tells me that even if that is the case things
will never fix unless we take a big breather anyways and re-
evluate what is important to us and what we want in
life...and that's what the real me wants not the other
one. Well I'm not sure I can blab on about this for very
much I guess I will hope for courage and go
away now...

P.S. the Austin/Rocky duet on new favourite
thing ever...

...and that's who in the bluehell I think I am!!

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