squeebs

The Power of group therapy...

That class never ceases to amaze me. I was so proud cuz I'd
gone like a full week without crying and Bang! There's that
class right in my face. Oh I was fine in the participation
part. I just listened you know and the subject didn't bother
me but when it came time for the other group to go and I had
to be an observer- hoo boy- open the flood gates. This girl
was talking about how her friend was contemplating suicide
and it brought back such horrible memories and it's
somewhere around the anniversary now. I don't know the exact
date because I've repressed it but it was when I was in
Grade 12. My friend told me that she was going to kill
herself and I told her not to talk like that. the next day
she was missing. They found her body a day later. It took me
a long time to forgive myself. I blamed myself for not
taking her seriously. I had all these "what ifs" like what
if I told someone and she could have got help. She'd still
be here today. I think of that every once in awhile but I
have gotten to a place where I now know that it wasn't my
fault. I didn't pull the trigger, she did. I didn't know she
was going to do that. How could I have possibly known? And
then the year later when I heard a girl in my high school
talking about doing it, I went to a teacher just because I
knew I couldn't deal with the guilt if she did it too. And
in that way it feels like I've given something back to
Cheri-Ann. Like maybe I couldn't help HER but because of
her, I helped some one else. You know, I never did go to her
service, her funeral because I was too guilty. Her sister
and I were good friends and I never said a word to her after
Cheri-Ann died. It was just too hard. I guess today was
just catharsis- release of pent up emotions. I know it's not
my fault.

Current mood: at peace
Current music: "Pop"- N'SYNC