Sleep Junky

Born Slippy
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2001-11-14 06:32:56 (UTC)

nov 13/01

I slept the whole day away. Went to bed around six in the
morning with the intent of waking for nine, but got
up around three in the afternoon instead. I am soooooo fucked.
A whole days worth of work was forsaken for a few hours
sleep and conversation with Ian. I swear, that guy
is like a drug or something. When I'm with him, nothing
else matters.
It's strange how well we get along. I didn't realize to what
extent until a friend asked me how being with Ian compared
to other guys I'd been with. I answered that the others were
complete, utter, scum of the earth and that he was heaven
in comparison.
Anyone else I was ever involved with were takers-
destroyers to be more specific. People who purged others
for their own benefit, who preyed on the love that the
others felt for them. It was understood that they could
acquire what they wished without having to give anything
in return if the other cared for them.
For years I was ashamed of my past. Wrong tense- I still
can't forgive myself for the things I've done. But with the
shame is anger- anger at myself for letting it happen. I
don't resent them in any which way, only myself. I guess I saw
them for who they really were upon meeting them. Me being
the fool I am, second guessed my instinct and followed my emotions
instead. Even when it became blatently evident that
they were using me (whether aware of it or not)
I never knew that people existed who would want to be with me
and have no expectations. I always thought true love was finding
someone who compensated for what you were lacking- someone who made
you complete. Or learning to care for someone despite their
shortcomings. Or being some kind of martyr to the pleasure of
another. But being with Ian taught me that it's about learning
to love yourself. He doesn't make me feel that I'm the idealistic
person everyone dreams of being. When I'm with him I can see myself
objectively, and am able to love myself for all my flaws. Therefore I
can love him for who he is because I am complete; I don't want or
expect anything from him.
This probably doesn't make sense. Its hard for me to express
myself properly in words. Perhaps this clarifies things: one cannot
learn to love another truly until they love themself.
Clicheic but true.


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