BleedingMourner

Life's Lies
2001-11-14 04:57:38 (UTC)

Not too spiffy

I used to have an account at livejournal.com . . .but all
these people i know found out about it and were reading it
and since I only act happy around them it wasn't setting
right, and i kept getting the 'you know, if you ever need
to talk i'm here for you'. which is a bunch of bs, i barely
ever went into detail about what i thought and how i
felt. . .so many people i know are fake. so i'm here now,
and i'm going to speak freely about everything b/c no one i
know will ever read this and that makes life a lot easier
for me (if that's possible).
Lesse . . .to start it off I'm 16 and in 11th grade. I go
to a preppy private school that i loathe. i buy all my
clothes at pac sun which is the closest you can get to
buying skaterish type clothes in montgomery. i'm not a
skater or punk or anything like that, i'm not going to try
and pose as anything, though i love extreme sports and
such, and i do have a skateboard hidden under my bed that
my family doesn't know about, so next time i'm home alone
i'll go out on it and see how it goes.
i love anime.
i love star wars.
i love punk rawk.
i love metallica and system of a down.
i love reading and writing.
i hate my family. they don't really care about me. my
parents are divorced (my dad was having an affair and
selling/taking drugs) i live with my mom (who expects me to
be brilliant just b/c she is) brother (who is a preppy ass
and is a senior, thank goodness) and my grandparents (who
are racists and only complain . . .nothing good or
congratulatory ever comes out of their mouths). My family
is the type that will ignore a 99 on a test and ground me
for making a 78. My family is the type that doesn't
listen. Doesn't care. Doesn't notice that I have
problems . . .I guess. Maybe they don't want to see it.
I don't have any real friends. My one true friend moved
away in June to CO Springs, and she was the only thing that
saved me from falling into a pit of depression in 9th and
10th grade, I had been on the edge in 8th -- I even had
started cutting then -- but my friendship with her was
fantastic and I got out of that partially, but now that
she's gone I've fallen back in and I cut a lot more often
now (not much on my wrists, i'm so afraid someone will see
and the last thing i want is to be sent to get 'help'
that's fake bs, nothing and nobody can help me). I'm always
depressed and always tired. I want to cry a lot, but most
of the time the tears never come. I only cut b/c it's
interesting comparing that pain to what i feel inside only
b/c it's incomparable. Sometimes I truly believe that what
i'm living now is only a nightmare and i'll wake up from it
one day to see that i'm living a totally different life.
But usually I just lay in bed as long as I can b/c I have
nothing to live for.
The one friend I did have after(kat) my best friend
(tracie)moved away is gone from me now, this just happened
two weeks ago. and it's all my fault b/c i had to get drunk
and she was on a buzz . . . .and i ended up feeling her up
from the waist up and she just laid there in her room not
trying to stop me or anything. I mean . . .that's all I
remember. I don't know if anything else happened. She won't
tell me, and my mind is a complete blank. No I'm not bi or
gay or anything. I don't know why I did that. I mean,
sometimes I think, hey,maybe I'm bi curious or something,
but even though it may not seem like it I am a Christian,
and I know all of that is wrong. I can't explain my
actions. I was drunk . . . . I think I need to be sXe now.
i've ruined and shattered whatever hope I had. Maybe one
reason I'm so depressed all the time is b/c of all the
guilt I feel from doing stuff like getting drunk. . .not
that i do it a lot. i mean, 3 or 4 times in the past 5
months. i'm not trying to make excuses though. I'm an awful
sinner. I can't see how God could ever forgive me for all
this. I owe Jesus a great deal. But the only problem is He
can't hold me, and right now, that's what i need more than
anything. just someone to hold me.
There's one guy at school that isn't a prep (which is
amazing, no punks or sk8ers go to my school. it's scary and
sickening) and we're kind of friends. But he, like everyone
else, doesn't know the real me, and I'm so afraid to let
him know (btw, his name is Kyle). . .i'm great at keeping
up with this jester's mask.
i've rambled enough. I have a lot of hw to do and it's 11
already. I'm usually in bed by 1, but tonight I've been
downing the mocha and coffee b/c I don't really feel like
sleeping. I keep having nightmares.




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