2001-11-13 22:13:45 (UTC)

My Lessening Sweetness

The shop might be sold by Thanksgiving. Everyone is so mad at us for going
away this weekend and hardly anyone came in today, especially not our regular
customers. It's a rather comical situation to me, I think, mostly because I'm not
really attached to it that much and I don't give a shit whether I see most of those
people again. To me, the shop closing means I get to go home, be with my
boyfriend and my family, and start my own life.

I called my boyfriend today to wish him a happy birthday and we talked for awhile,
about not too much. He said I was being weird though, weird meaning acting
differently than normal, but I've changed alot being away for so many months, and
he's not used to it I guess. I have had so many wonderful experiences and not
so wonderful experiences and it has changed me, in some ways for the better,
but in some ways for the worse probably, although I'm alot happier with who I am
now than who I was before. I have quite a lower bullshit tolerance and I won't put
up with stupidity and ignorance anymore. I am much more laid back than I was
before, and my biggest pet peeve is when people say one thing and mean
another, or are mad and upset and don't say anything and instead play stupid
games. If you're mad about something, why can't you just say, "Hey, that makes
me mad"? I don't get why people don't say what they mean. It is so easy! And
so much better! We're getting it alot lately at the shop, with people telling us they
didn't care we went away and bitching about it to other people. It's like fucking
highschool! Highschool was so full of bullshit that it was hard to focus on anything
else. Looking back, every fight I got in and everything I got mad at was so
ridiculously stupid that it makes me laugh. And really nothing that happened in
highschool means a damn thing anymore, except the friendships that were made.
Pretty much nothing I learned is more important than what I've learned from simply
talking to different kinds of people and living on my own.

I am not as sweet and nice as I used to be. I'm not as willing to jump right up and
bend over backwards for anyone who asks. I'm not as trusting. I'm more cynical. I
don't want to waste my time on people who I can't have a decent intelligent
conversation with and people who are unwilling to learn new things.

I think none of that is too bad and could actually be pretty good, but when I go
home soon, it's going to be weird. I'm not worried...I don't worry so much
anymore either, which is definitely a wonderful breakthrough for me...but I think
some people who are counting on things being exactly the same are going to be
disappointed. I'm not getting all high and mighty and thinking I'm all important and
everyone is going to care that I changed. But it is going to be weird with some of
my close friends, and with my boyfriend.

Luckily for my boyfriend, I became more of how he is, so I don't think that will be a
problem. I realized what is important and I won't get mad at him for stupid stuff
anymore, and when I do get upset I will just flat out tell him. I think we fit together
well. I really enjoy time to myself and so does he. So if I just wanna be alone, I
can tell him and he'll understand, and vice versa. Next month we'll be together for
a year. I'm not 100% happy with our relationship right now, but it's difficult to be
when you're 3 1/2 hours apart. So we'll see what happens. I love him very much
and I think it will be easier for us now. I am not going to worry though. Whatever
happens, happens.