Butterfly

The Story of my Life
2001-11-13 21:00:36 (UTC)

LIFE. MY LIFE.

What to do about my life?
*I no longer am an employee of Carl's Jr. I don't care. Yes.
I do care. I HATE TAMMY. I had some fun times there. It was
just a job. I am replaceable. No one cares that I am gone. I
miss Joe. He is the most awesome person ever. I am
"Helga-mistress of the under world a.k.a. his Kinky sex
slave" *Sigh* That life is dead. I am moving on........
*Connor. OMG. I just talked to him online. That was the most
depressing conversation of my life. I mean we talked and
everything....but yeah. As time goes on, our relationship
dynamic keeps shifting. We are getting further.....and
further.............apart. I guess he isn't my soul mate
after all. OMG I'm gonna cry. Why does everthing have to
change? This summer was so wonderful. We saw eachother alot,
we worked together, we became SO close. Then he had to
leave...my world changed again....for the worse. His changed
again.....for the better. OMG.
*Raul. *Sigh* He loves me. I say I love him. I feel like I
am using him. God I hope he doen't read this. I do love you
Raul, I do. But I still love Connor. I'll always love
Connor. GOD DAMN YOU CONNOR WHY CAN'T I GET YOU OUT OF MY
HEAD-AND OUT OF MY LIFE???? Simple. I don't want to. I have
corrupted poor Raul. Now there is no going back. I love you
Raul. I really do.
*Parenting 101. That is what they need. No, not my mom. I
love my mom. She is awesme. We get along great, most of the
time atleast. No. It is my step dad. "Papa" The guy who
raised me sense I was 5, and supported me. I owe him
respect. He is the only fatherly figure I knew. B.S. I give
respect, when I receive it. He gets none. If that makes me
lose my job. So be it. If it makes me fuck up my life in a
million different ways. So be it. I've done it before, I can
do it again. Right now my track record isn't looking too
good: I'm an unemployed high school drop out. Oh yeah-w/no
licence either. I have to choose between working things out
w/HIM and staying here, or going back to San Diego. Neither
option is a good one. *sigh*
*The state of my mind is leavig me something to be desired
right now. I have no one to turn to-no one that I can
confide in. This "online diary" is the only way I express
what I feel. That's pathetic. I make myself sick.
I'm going to go now. My library hour is almost up. Yeah, no
more internet at home. THAT was fun while it lasted. I have
a job interview for GAP today. Joy. Now that I have worked
myself up into a lovly state of depression-I feel great
about putting on my fake face and trying to get a job.