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2001-11-13 14:58:25 (UTC)

on planes crashing and jumping out of them

so yeah. i am definately getting my period, one because i
finished my birth control two days ago and two cause
everything is making me emotioal and teary eyed and the mood
is blah. last night mom told me about plane crash and i had
sinking feeling but more than anything felt like "oh what
else is new, what else can go wrong. planes crashing yankees
losing, ya know." jaded kinda thing. then today in
photography i was waiting for my negatives to dry and didnt
feel like studying for my italian quiz today so i picked up
the newspaper. i felt like this bowling ball sized hunk of
SADNESS rolling around my whole body, thinking this is just
not right, not fair and not right. and again, no one around
me cares, like a sarejvo type thing "oh that sucks." it was
only today that i have started to WANT to come home. enough
is enough. i want to be home. whatever is going on there, i
want to be in my city. i just want to BE with other people
who were born and raised there. there is a distance for
people who are not FROM new york, new york is not their main
SPACE and some may go to school there but it is not HOME.
whatever that word means, its not their home. so here i
share none of my space with anyone that has the same home as
i do. thats a second dimention of distance and then theres
the initial distance of being AWAY from home and then
another fold of distance when something terrible happens to
your home and i feel too far away now. the home in me is
but still can't dwell/ pay attention to that, can only
acknowledge it. so going on.
im gonna go skydiving this weekend. right. and when i go to
sleep i get mental images of the moment in which you hurl
yourself out of the plane. yes i know i try not to think
about it, i know it has to be a just do it and dont think
type thing but ya know. for a few days i was getting a
little ehhhh, thinking of not going to switzerland. but
today i was walking to school with cheryl and she asked me
why i was going, why do i want to go skydiving. i love her
by the way. the day i met her something in me knew that i
wanted to be friends with her. she was one of the reasons i
didnt switch my photo class in the begining, because i
wanted to get to know her, be friends with her. and we
totally clicked right away. feed off eachother alot. she is
a hardcore jew and i love hearing about all the jewish
mystisism/torah/ stuff. totally in synch with everything i
think. so yeah. when she asked me that i said because i have
alwasy been afraid to. something i always thought about, and
always thought i'd never be able to when it came down to it.
i told her when i told my brother he said "you wouldnt even
go on rollercoasters a few years ago" and this is true. i
wouldnt. and up until this summer i went on everything else
in great adventure except for freefall. so while i was
talking to her, i decided to examine this. i know why i
wouldnt go on rollercoasters. they reminded me of
moodswinging. reminded me of being 13 , 14 and my body
being pulled up and pulled down with every manic/depression.
and falling, falling was what i was doing. falling because
my cord got severed somehow. but i got it back, and i did
everything i could to "fix myself" and i didnt like being
reminded. but years went by and i started to love
rollercoasters. and last semester i started to accept that i
am not crazy, i am just me, that there is a way i am and
always will be and i need it, i need how i dont have the
tightest grip on my cord, on reality, i need how my
consciousness balloon expands and i need to trust that it
won't break. i need this for my peace, i need this to be
complete, there is no other way. then i got on a plane to
florence. and something in me shut down and what i think it
was, was the part where my fear was. im sure there is still
some left. but where it LIVED, i don't think it's there
and what i was afraid of was that i would go crazy here. and
instead i found that all i wanted to be was with me the
whole time.
and now what i want is to give up control. cause i dont
really have it anyway, sure i have an illusion of control,
but what i want is to have none, really have none. i want
to fall, and when i am done falling, i want to still be
i feel better knowing these things.