writings on the wall
Ad 0:
2001-11-13 14:42:52 (UTC)

should I or should I not?

It's been almost a month since I last broke up with
Stanley. People say that you will never forget your first
love, I wonder if that is true but I guess only time will
tell. I am coping better now listening to Gloria
Gaynor's "I Will Survive" for the hundredth time... I think
it works, you know. Even though it may sound kinda silly
but I don't really care as long as I can get him off my

I just called my best friend. She updated me with her
life and I think that she's the luckiest girl on earth.
She's still with her boyfriend of 6 months and they are
still going on strong. I am happy for her, of course, but
then sometimes I can't help but feel envy sometimes. She's
pretty, has a great body and lots of $$. The only field I
think that I can compare with her is in studies. Maybe God
is fair after all.

Last night, I was supposed to wait for Louis' call but
I feel asleep. When my cell rang, I was too lazy to get up
so I just ignored it. I hope that he won't be too mad at
me. Louis is a 22-year-old guy I met through the Internet.
He's not cute and definitely not my type but he's too nice.
I just don't know how to reject him! I keep telling myself
that looks is not everything but who am I to lie to myself?

I should've learnt a lesson from my past r'ship, that
is not to rush into anything. I think the main reason why I
accepted Stanley was because I was kinda desperate for a
boyfriend and he was everything I was looking for in a guy,
physically. Mentally, he was much more immature than I am,
even though he's 23. Or maybe it was his favourite sport
that got in our way...

What the hell am I doing now? I should stop mentioning
about him altogether. I don't want to be pining over him in
the next few months, especially when I get to Australia. I
just can't wait for February to come so that I can get
outta here. Life here is kinda boring especially with no
classes to attend. Right now I am thinking of what I should
wear in the airport on THE DAY. Call me vain or anything
but I really wanna look good so that everyone would
remember me as I am that day, in case they never ever get
to see me again!

Last night I dreamt that I seduced my cousin brother
who was about 10 years older than me and he invited me to
watch porn movies with him. I think that it was a stupid
dream with no meaning whatsoever. Okay, so I used to have a
crush on him but that was like when I was 16! Then later I
dreamt that I accidentally ruined my bro's contact lens. I
really wonder why am I having this kind of weird dreams
thus few nights...