Wall with a Pulse

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2001-11-13 12:07:47 (UTC)

It's funny, isn't it?

It's strange. That's all there is to it. It's one of
those things that you notice, and just wonder thoughtlessly
about. It can inspire no other other emotion, none
positive, that is. All you can do is see it for what it
is, and laugh to yourself...

There have been times in my life when I would give all I
have for this feeling. For the feeling of falling in love
with another person. Of finding a girl that seems to fit
me so well that there is no possible way for me to turn
away from her. Someone, who despite not physically being
exactly what I look for in a woman, seems to be all I need
in this world. There have been times when I would kill for
this feeling. I wander through life in the process of
getting over one girl after another. It's not normal, nor is it the
normal process. Boy meets girl, Boy loses girl, and soon
enough, Boy finds another girl to dwell on. Someone to
pick up the pieces of his life and start again. A new
beginning, and hopefully a new end. That is normal.
That's not me. When I lose a girl, I can't immediately
find someone new. They say the fastest way to get over a
girl is getting under a new one. Doesn't work that way for
me. All the times I have had to break myself of loving a
woman, it has destroyed me. Instead of taking the shot and
learning a lesson, I have taken the shots and had to
rebuild my emotions and life from the foundations. It
takes months, sometimes years, but one thing is common with all the
times... I never get involved with another woman during or for a
while afterwards.

Usually, when I pick up the wreckage of my life that
dependence on another person has caused, I settle into a
completely apathetic state. When there's no one that I know,
or have met, that could possibly strike the slightest bit of
romantic interest in me. That's when I'm safe from being
hurt. That's when life can begin to be lived again without
pain. That's when my emotions become so muted I can finally rest
without having a mind in chaos.... That's when I feel dead.

That's no way to live a life. There is no way to truly
succeed with that mindset. Drifting from time to time,
emotionally dead, is no good answer. It is a time when
nothing really matters. Old friends leave, and not
an eye is batted. New friends go unmade, and you don't
miss a step. Jobs and school go down in flaming wreckage,
and it just doesn't matter. Everything that ever made
your life enjoyable becomes lost, and all it evokes is
disinterest. You can't exist in that mindset, because the
only existence it strives for is an end. Not anything so
brutally immediate as suicide, but something more
prolonged. An ending far more insidious, yet just as

I am not ready to spend my life looking for an end to it
all. There are times when it seems that my depression knows no
bounds, but in my heart, I know it does. It is that deepest part
of my being that is forever aware of just where I am
heading. My mind may be full of chaos and uncertainty, my
body may feel dead to the world, but my awareness knows what
will come of it all; knows that it can't be good. It is that
awareness that comments to me at the emotionally deadened
times. It tells me that it has been a long time since I've felt
love. It inspires gentle feelings that coax me into
remembering what love is. It is what makes me believe
that I would give all that I am, all that I ever was, just
to be in love again... to feel again.

And then it happens....

It happens, and once more I am forced to take a personal
interest in life around me. In me are evoked feelings of
love, belonging, friendship, and hope. Those are good
things to have. A person who hopes to be happy and
fulfilled in this life must have all of those things. They
are neccessary. I can trust again. I feel a purpose in
life. Oh God, how I wish it ended with that. How I wish
that a girl who inspired those angels within me could
simply be with me. That we could be together without the
complications that are always the end to such things. That
wish doesn't matter though. Everything ends, and there are
always complications. I know this, and yet I'm always
surprised when the bubbly optomism, that comes with opening
myself to emotions again, gives way to a darker reality.
With love comes hate. With belonging comes rejection.
With friendship comes jealousy. With trust comes betrayal,
and hope is a house that burns to the ground if left
standing too long. It never ends with trust and hope.
Time after time, love is a gateway to the most bitter side of
life I have ever known.

I am on the verge of love again. I have tried to argue out
of it, I have tried to misdirect it, and I have even flat
out denied it, but none of that matters. Denying that a
tree is a tree doesn't make it a cat. I am on the verge of
love again, but it is a futile love. I don't know that she
feels the same towards me. I don't know, that even with
the feelings I have for her, whether we would really be
good for each other. There are things she does with friends, at
parties, or at bars that hint she's a different person than I believe
her to be. Hell... even if she was perfect, I don't even know if I
am mature enough yet to have a true romantic relationship with
another person. She's been out of a relationship with her
boyfriend of eight months for a little under two weeks (her the
breaker and him the breakee). The only thing I do
know about the, and forgive the word, fruits of our
possible relationship is that it would hurt her ex, my
friend, to no bounds if I pursued her. Of course it would
hurt him if I asked her out tomorrow... no fucking shit,
but even months from now it would wreck him. He told me
tonight that he's jealous when he sees her going on drives
with me, but he trusts that my intentions are good. How
about that for a kick in the chest. If he knew of the
feelings I already have for her, he'd be hurt. The only
way I could hurt him more would be to follow through with
my feelings. My heart tells me to do it. Tells me that I
need it. Something stays my hand though... It isn't the
doubts about the future of a relationship with her
that makes me back off. I have them, yes - many of them,
but driving through all of them is a desire to be with
her. No, it isn't my fears. All I can trace it to is an
old and tired code of ethics that I cling to. It is
something that is certain despite all the uncertainess I
feel about this situation. I don't know how badly it would
hurt him if I got together with her, but I feel that it is
wrong, and I can't do it. To be stopped by something so
trivial and uncertain as that fills me with a depth of despair
that I wish I was incapable of feeling... Matt Good
captured the feeling well when he said, "I close my eyes
now, and I scream. I turn the light on, and there is
nothing left redeeming."

He has also said, "Life is like bread. It's great at
first, and as time passes, it gets harder."

Well, this bread has been around for damn near 23 years.
And you know what? I think I'm getting sick of bread. It
will only get worse with Leah. I can't be with her, not in
any amount of time that I can foresee. And now I have the
responsibility of dealing with the feelings that knowing
her has inspired in me. I am already jealous when she
would prefer to spend time with, or talk to another guy
besides me. She's been hanging out with a guy named Nick
lately. They're starting to get to know each other better,
and are already having secret moments that they share
between them with a smile. I can feel myself becoming less
special in her eyes. Eventually, if not very soon, she'll
realize that I won't be with her. More likely she'll
realize that she doesn't want to be with me, but the result
will be the same.. she'll move on. Never... NEVER...
underestimate a woman's ability to move on. If God gave
men the strength and aggressivness to carve out a home in a harsh
enviroment, then he gave women the excelled ability to adapt in the
face of any conflict. Women are like roaches, they'll
be surviving and thriving long after the nuclear winter.

No, her and I will end, and I'll be left picking up the
pieces of myself while she doesn't even notice my passing.

We're not meant for each other. She's not exactly the kind
of girl I see myself being with. There are things about
myself that could easily frighten her off. She is off
limits to me... and I am falling in love with her. I
cannot stop.

I'm scared. I've been in this situation before, I know
what will happen. If I feel like this while I'm falling in
love with her, then how will I feel when I just keep
falling? When I recognize that we are beyond the slightest
hope of being together, how much worse will it get? What
will become of me?

God I'm tired....

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