erin

anxiety attack
2001-11-13 08:09:26 (UTC)

.11.12.01

this is the first day of my diary. im definately going to
be calling it a journal from now on. I suppose it is
finally time to start something in my life for myself;
perhaps this will allow me to work out the myriad of
thoughts that i refuse to address. aside from that, this
will be a good forum for me to keep track of my daily
activities. it is necessary for me to define how exactly
this journal will benefit me becuase it gives me incentive
to actually keep up on it. why else do i like the idea of
an online journal? a) no one i know, or would be
embarrassed if i knew was reading it, will see what i have
to say. b) it will be an excellent place to kill time when
im wasting away on aol. that being said, journal starts
here:

today i hung out with two people i hadn't seen in a long
time. im not sure how i feel about that exactly, except to
say, that i had a nice time. nice is a good adjective to
use because there was no alternativly overpowering emotion.
They seem to be exactly the same as they were two years
ago, which makes hanging out quite interesting considering
that i am a completely different person than i was two
years ago. perhaps less insecure, perhaps more. Perhaps
less attractive, perhaps more. but i have definately grown
emotionally and mentally.

Somehow nick used the word, "innocent" to describe me. It
fostered a rather excited and sensational rush of emotion
throughout my body, considering that for the first time,
innocent had little to do with sexual endevors and much to
do with my honest and trusting nature. Its nice to hang out
with people who are not judgeing you based upon rumors and
assumptions, but rather choose to interperate you're
character based upon personal experiances with you.

Other than that, the most interesting part of my day was as
usual, found online. Pathetic. Boy, who im fearing that i
have a crush on, was online when i signed on. The main
reason that im feeling a crush comming on is because i
immediately got butterflies when i saw him on. When i look
at the situation logically, it is much easier to understand
why this occurs. I get nervous that he wont IM me, or that
when i IM him, i wont have anything exciting to say. There
is so much ambiguity in our relationship that i begin to
make these assumptions. rather than helping me to
understand, and ellimate some of the ambiguity, my
assumptions just further my frustrations.I look so deep
into the things he says, because in many ways, even though
i am comfortable with who i am, i seek his approval, or at
least his desire. When i look at the issue morally, i think
that i should be more comfortable with the person im
sleeping with, even if the relationship is completely non
emotional, and purely physical. sort of. . . The main
context of the relationship has been defined by the mutual
exchange of the idea that, "i like hanging out with you. i
like talking to you. i have fun with you. i like making out
with you." Getting to a point. I have a million questions
for him. and no nerve to ask any of them.

goodnight with this disclaimer . i am a horrible speller if
anyone holding a minute amount of intellect may be reading.




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