Bumblebee

Adventures in Incompetence
2001-11-13 06:53:29 (UTC)

Infuriating love-affairs between hermaphrodites and their cats...

Have you ever read something that's a total load of
crap, and been really mad afterwards? I'm not talking
about stuff that's controversial. I'm talking about really
bad writing. Period. Bad writing as in, no semblance of
plot whatsoever, complete ignorance in the basics of
rudimentary grammar, and just plain shit-headed
stupidity. AND the delusion that people will LIKE it. Bah.
Maybe I'm being unreasonable. Maybe it's PMS. But
I'm so fucking tired of coming across steaming piles of
dog-excrement that are being passed off as 'writing'.
Case in point: "Oscar", an aspiring young internet
author, decides to write a story about an incredibly
attractive hermaphrodite (conveniently also named
Oscar) who is somehow transported into... I joke not....
the Sailor Moon universe, where he proceeds to
seduce Sailor Venus' goddamned CAT (in explicit
detail)!!! Even I could not have made up something so
pathetic. One is tempted to dismiss it as a convoluted
attempt at humor/debauchery. But such thinking is,
sadly, wishful at most. From the author's mangled
preface, it is painfully clear that the person actually
thought they were making a contribution to the online
fiction world with their interspecies smut. Excuse me
while I simultaneously beat my head against the wall
and puke up my last meal.
First of all, if I were looking for fictional smut,
everyone knows the best source of that stuff is the
magazine aisle of Safeway, where they have a veritable
wonderland of repressed-housewife fodder (the kind
with Fabio on the cover). It's actually entertaining to see
how many times romance novel authors can recycle the
same plot over and over, using the same vocabulary
("sweaty fervor", "steel rod" etc etc) and the same
muscled heros, who all seem to have an aversion to
having their glistening chests covered for any period of
time.
Secondly, I don't know about you, dear reader, but
explicit sex scenes between a hermaphrodite and a cat
are NOT on my top-ten list of 'things that are remotely
interesting and/or entertaining'..... don't look at me like
that.... it's true!! Ok maybe it would be interesting at first,
but that's because it would be interesting from a purely
scientific point of view as to how the dumbfuck solved
certain anatomical difficulties. *shudder* That said, I
shall continue on with my tirade.
Maybe I would be able to laugh at such a pathetic
loser, if I were able to understand what he was trying to
say half the time. Though it may be hard to believe, as
we are seasoned connosieurs of the computer and
literary world (and we've passed third grade), some
people are completely foreign to the concept of a
SPELL CHECKER. Hello, they sure aren't there for
people like me. I hate to sound egotistical, but I'm a
damned good speller and the day I misspell a word like
"cannot" is the day Micheal Jackson looks black again. I
can understand the occasional typo, as human fingers
aren't infallible when it comes to a keyboard, but when I
come upon a phrase like "he cumed allover the kichen
floor" I immediately get steamed. Either this person is a
complete imbecile, or they're a third-grader, in which
case they have no business even THINKING of that
kind of stuff! Geez, people these days....
Let the record show that I do not go around looking
for this kind of shit (well, maybe sometimes I do, but
usually not during daytime hours, and I have to be pretty
bored). I do my job as a responsible internet denizen,
and I volunteer my insanely anal-retentive talent for
grammar to help others in need. I am a beta-reader
(editor type thing) on some lists where people post
their writing. And coming across such a literary
holocaust makes me want to chop off someone's
gonads.
People who think that any random piece of crap that
pops out of their head will be well-recieved by
unscrutinizing readers have no right to be taking up
space on this planet, let alone any other location in this
dimension. Such individuals make a strong case for
birth-control and sterilization. INBREEDING IS A
CRIME!!!
ugh I need to go to bed.
.... signing out....

Bumblebee's word of advice: Don't try to cover up
unsightly hickeys with make-up. It never works, and
people just know that you're hiding something. Instead,
turn the remnants of last night's make-out session into
a statement of creativity. Using face-paint or body
pencils, draw a head, four legs, and a set of udders
onto the hickey. Voila! It's a cow!!