manic_java

insomnia

should be in bed now...but i'm not...my roommate is out
with christopher...probably lying in a gutter
somewhere...and i acknowledge that i shouldn't worry about
others like i do..but it's compulsive and i can't help
it...worry consumes my being at times..and it's b/c of this
that i cannot go to bed...it's not that i'm exhausted and
just want to sleep but can't...i'm not..the thought of
sleep doesn't interest me right now...probably b/c i got
off the phone with leslie an hour ago and we've been
ranting over our 'boyfriends'...grr..so confused and i
don't understand...i can't even fathom how someone can feel
something so strongly and act on it...then ignore those
feelings like a passing fancy...I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW
PEOPLE LIVE LIKE THAT!!!!!....IT'S NOT EVEN HUMAN-LIKE...or
maybe it is...and i'm just a number, part of a normal
statistic in the fight for love and i don't even realize
it...it just pisses me off how things go to some so
effortlessly...while the rest of us get the
dregs...ehh...and i'm tired of analyzing every aspect of my
so called 'normal' life...yes, i have shelter and clothing
and the provisions....but then i also have memories and my
emotions...and half the time i don't understand why i think
the things i do or feel the things i feel...but i feel like
if i speak up about them, nobody will understand b/c when
they look at my life on the outside, it appears to be just
fine...but lo and behold...at least i have wisened up and
can write in a diary now...