2001-11-13 06:33:06 (UTC)

I don t want to feel suicidal...

I don't want to feel suicidal. I don't choose to. I don't
want this. Why would I want this? Irreconcilable
differences between how my life is going and how I want it
to be - between what I need and what I have - between my
human nature and my sense of worth - I think they
predispose me to feel these things against my will. I
don't know what to do about that except try to keep busy.
I don't mean to worry anyone who reads this that cares or
knows me - but I still need this diary as my arena to get
it out of me. I NEED to vent! I can't stress that
enough. I don't mind anyone reading, I welcome it - I've
never had anything to hide - that's why I wrote my book and
keep this diary public. Just don't hate me for the
feelings I need to express to this glowing screen...

As for the letter to an anonymous lover - it stays
anonymous until I'm ready to deal with that aspect of my
life. If you do know who you are then take the compliment
and relax in it for now - it is just not something I can do
right now anyway. Sometimes you need to say something to
someone, but can't, but need to get it out anyway somehow
even if it isn't going to get to its originally intended

I'm too weak for a lot of things emotionally - and personal
relationships and mental stability is not something I can
do well lately. Breezy - though she may not know, care,
realize, or be capable of realizing without being self-
triggered in a negative way (which I don't want - so she
should never know) - Breezy hurt me in so many ways that I
am STILL finding more damaged parts of me. I WILL fix me
up in time I hope. Thanx for the great advice from Alex
and Misty concerning Breezy ICQ'ing me - I will follow your
advice and not feel bad about it as much as I can. Maybe
you are both right and I shouldn't talk to her at all.
Maybe having the hate gone is enough for now... I only
heard from her the once - so maybe that's a good thing?
It's so hard when you still have strong feelings,
especially if they don't deserve them.

I am confused

about a lot of things


in a lot of ways

but I'm still me in here somewhere