Undine Fae
2001-11-13 06:24:35 (UTC)

time passing

The day can pass so slowly sometimes. I do not know what
to do with myself. Sometimes, I want to cut and scratch at
my arm just to...just because I "like" it. I know it
sounds bizarre. But it is such a comfort. I am
unmotivated to do my work...I am scared to tackle things
because I am afraid I may get overwhemled again. And I
don't want to cry again. I don't want to cut myself again,
but at the same time, I do. But if I let things go by for
too long, then things will really start to pile up...and I
bet I will have more scabs on my arm that the two that are
already there. At least they were really small this time.
I find such a comfort in just talking to people, and not
really dealing with the issues at hand. Is that bad?
Probly...I want to tell Victor sometimes...but I don't want
him to think differently of me, eventho I know that is not
likely. I told Meesh briefly, but I didn't give her a
chance to respond (i logged off right afterward to the
convenience of Aurel walkin in). I don't want people to
think I am a lazy flake...but what if I really am? Or are
my issues that deeprooted? I feel fine most of the time,
but I "flare up" every now and again. Is that me just
being melodramatic or are my issued that deeprooted? Cuz
if something is buried deep enough, you won't really see it
or feel it all the time right? Or am I just fooling
myself? I feel foolish sometimes...because no one seems to
be hurting as much as I do or as overwhelmed as I get... Or
is my foolishness just me tryin to trivialize a big
problem. I do not want to be stigmatized to be "crazy"
or "unstable." The consequences of such a label are
grave. I could lose my job, my friends, my place at this
school...I could lose everything. Maybe that is why
I "feel fine" most of the time...maybe I hide things to
innately and so well (as a reaction to the pressures of
societal norms) that I kidd myself into seeming just
dandy. Do I need to take a break and work things out? But
how do I "work things out?" I feel so lost...and i feel
foolish talking to my counselor because I feel like she may
judge me to simply be overdramatic...or a "looney." Is my
lack of drive to do work (that I think I am get away with
procrastinating on) a sign of needing to take a break or is
it a sign of laziness? Being lazy is more socially
acceptable than being "unstable." At least my capacities
as a member of this society are not questioned. But if I
am unstable...oh there go red lights and sirens: what out!
she is unstable!!!
this is frustrating. I do not know what to think.