2001-11-13 06:08:33 (UTC)


Well today got a bit better this evening. And it was really
wierd cuz of all people I wouldn't think that something
that came from the ex would make things slightly better.
They're only slightly better cuz I don't really know what's
going on. Things sound good at the very least which is more
than I can say for pretty much everything else *sigh*
It seems that he sorta still feels guilty about how he
treated me, and he said that he like, regretted having lost
me (as a friend he meant I'm sure) which is kind of cool..
I was sorta starting to think lately that he really
detested me and that he was like hating me now. But, he was
under the influence of some alcohol so I know what that
means. The last major conversation we had that didn't
involve me screaming profanity at him was when he was drunk
and he later told me he never meant a word of what he said.
So I don't know. This is what he told my friend and she
said it sounded genuine. And it's not all that great either
cuz it just gets me dwelling on that stuff again, which I
shouldn't be because that's long over and I have more
immediate problems to deal with. Many Many Many of them. ARG
I'm starting to think that all this stress is just going to
catch up with me. Either very soon or when i'm like, in my
early thirties. The way I see it is, either I'm going to
have a nervous breakdown and just shut down completely from
all this stress sometime soon, or I'm going to lock it all
away and have a fatal, massive coronary heart attack
sometime in my early thirities. Which was my original plan
post-breakup with the ex, when I was planning on living
alone and having a really cool job, the stress from which
would kill me before I had a chance to grow old and lonely.
Now that I'm a little *a little* more open to the prospect
of having some kind of relationship with a male at some
point in the future, dying doesn't seem like such a great
idea. Well, not most of the time anyways. Saturday night it
sorta did.

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