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i was at the lawrence.
i didn't get enough sleep.
i was checking my mail.
i had a GSA meeting.
i had to do a periwig show.
i was late to class.
i was on the phone.
apparently, these are all the excuses i will be using when
i fail my finals.
apparently, i should be doing nothing but studying the night
before finals start.
i couldn't possibly have any emotions about anything not
related to finals or schoolwork so why should i need my
alex is getting kicked out of school and i wish it were me,
i wish i could get out of this place.
they could afford to buy me a car and then i'd be out of
here early and back late, but they wouldn't care as long as
i slept alone in my own bed and my grades were perfect.
they'd be glad to have me out of all my committments.
there's nothing exceptional about me; if i can handle it,
someone else can do the same if not better.
i can't do anything right for them.
if i stay up late working, it means i mismanaged time.
if i go to bed early, it means i left my work undone.
if i didn't get a good mark, it means everyone else did
if the teacher had to tell them something, it means i was
unattentive and ignorant and should have known it because
everyone else must have.
after a night like this, it doesn't seem worth it to finish
this paper and study for my in-class and get my bitch of a
chem final done.
i just want to give up and crawl into bed and cry and
snivel and sleep.
i'm already crying.
i can't define sniveling.
the sleep will be restless.
there must be somewhere to go, to get away from this.
i just need to get out....
it used to be different, i had CTY to look forward to.
but it's over now, not just the opportunity but the establishment.
it's just a mess of rules and administrators with bicycles shoved up
their asses, and i can't go back now, not to connecticut or hamilton
or union because none of them are there anymore.
i feel like it's me, that all these sites close after i've been there.
i feel like i do the same thing to my friends, think i'm getting
closer, then open up too much and scare them away.
how is it that all my friends are so wonderful yet they don't care
i write in this stupid diary every night, as if i'm writing myself a
letter, because everyone else is too busy to listen.
maybe my parents are right and my priorities are just all messed up.
maybe i don't know what i want or need or who i am and i don't
deserve what i am getting.
i'm not worth it, people worrying about me when there's nothing they
can do and they'll forget about it anyway, they have other things to
move on to.
i'm not worth it.