Andy Tse's Personal Life
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2001-11-12 09:37:31 (UTC)

Something New, Part 1

Wow, this is something new. This is the first time i'm
acually writing a diary without anyone to tell me. I just
want to jot down all the memories i've had so far in my
life. I came by a quote today and it really hit me hard.

It states "How do you prove that you exist ... ? Maybe we
don't exist ..."

Whoever said this is right. Thats the main purpose for
this diary. I want people to at least know something of
me. Well enough with the diary business.

If your one of my friends and your reading my diary, its
alright since I trust you. Just don't mention it to anyone

I'm gonna talk about what happened in my life before this
whole diary ever started. Just a note, you might get bored
of my life and might want to move on to do something else.
Don't worry, i won't get offended.

-My Life so far

I was born in Macau, near Hong Kong, and in my memories i
can remember many instances where i was very happy.
Everything was so perfect. It just seems like I was in
heaven. Maybe thats why people say that children are
innocent. They don't know the harshness in life.

When I was around 5 years old my mom told me one day that I
was moving to the US. I was very excited of course until
my dad told me that only me and my mom was going. I was
very upset and couldn't think. Thats when my life started
to get worst and worst.

My mom didn't have much friends in the US. We only had a
couple relatives and life was tuff. My mom had to learn
english with me. Its easy for me to learn english because
i'm still young but i can't imagine how hard it was for
her. She told me that it doens't matter how much pain she
takes, just as long as I grow up to be a good and caring

I can still remember the first day of school. I would
always cry the first day of school, every school i attend
to. Everyone was so foreign to me, its just very hard on
me. I hardly knew any english since I came from a chinese
society and i was still very young. As time went by i got
used to it and we settled in.

In order for my mom to get resident in the US she has to do
an fake marriage. This was especailly hard for me to
handle because I already had a dad. My mom orginally
planned to marry one of my relative's friends for fake
marriage but it didnt happen that way. During summer we
went to Yellow Stone National Park, and my mom and the
leader of the group got to talk about the fake marriage and
my mom decided to have the fake marriage with him.

Ever since then I moved to many schools. In kindergarden i
went to Fremont Elementry, 1st grade I went to Tracy
Elementry, 2nd grade i went to Monterey Highlands, 3rd
grade I went to Romona Elementry, 4th grade I went to
Granada Elementry, and 5th grade I came back to Highlands.
This was very hard for me. I didn't get to have very long
lasting friends. Everytime i got to know them, I had to
move to somewhere else. So I've got used to closing myself
in and not talking much about anything. I'm afriad that
once i open up to someone, i would get shut out again. I
just don't want to experience that kind of feeling.

I can remember all the pain my mom had to go through also.
In my 2nd grade I think my mom had gone through lots of
suffering. She had to go to work from 8pm to 6am. Then
she went to adult school to study english from 8am to
12pm. Her only time to sleep was from 12pm to 8pm. I
didn't get to communicate with her much about anything
because when i go to school she would be going to school
also. When I come back from school she would be sleeping.
And during the night after she cooks dinner for me, she
would have to go to work again to support me. Sometimes I
would get so scared by myself at home, I would call my mom
just to speak with her. The most extreme time was that if
there was silence i get so scared and just cry. But I know
my mom was always there no matter what.

After the fake marriage my mom had, she got residence in
US. I think at that time i was 9-10 years old. We went
back to Macau and China to visit my close relatives. When
i arrived at Macau to my old home, my dad introduced me to
my brother. This was the first time my dad told me i had a
step brother. Before my dad married my mom, he was married
and had 2 sons and a daughter. I was told by my mom that
they devorced because his preivous wife threatened to kill
my grandpa with a butcher knife. After they got devorced
my dad got to know my mom and thats how i exist. The next
thing i know is that my youngest stepbrother which was 3
years older than me is coming to the US with me. Its
because he was getting very low grades in Hong Kong so he
had to come with me to get a better education.

My dad came to the US with us and we lived together from
then on. I got along with my new step-brother pretty well
until he entered highschool. I guess he got into the wrong
group of people. His whole appearence changed. From going
out late to smoking. This got my dad very mad and he
started getting high blood pressure. This is when all the
happy memories with my dad started to be overcomed with the
bad and tearful memories. I guess because of my brother's
actions he got harder on me. I hardly talk with him with
joy. There is simply nothing much to talk about. He
doesn't speak english that well so that eliminates a lot of
subjects including school activities. Second we have
around 40 years difference in our age. What I want to do,
he can't do.

I moved in to my new home in 5th grade. This is like the
longest place I've stayed since i came to the US. Finally
i can call this a home where i know i would finally set
foot in. The first day of school was pretty freightening
also. People picked on me, like kids would always do to
new kids, and it felt like i was excluded from the rest of
the people. It just didn't feel right. It was during 6th
grade that I started meeting most of the friends. 6th
grade camp was one of the best places i've been to. Its
the first time i got to escape from reality and just get my
mind off of stuff for a week.

-My life (continued in next entry)

I think this is all I will tell you for today. Its 1:35AM
right now and i'm getting very tired. I'll try to continue
the rest of my life so far tomorrow.

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