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2001-11-12 09:11:52 (UTC)

meaning of life

yah, i guess im starting on the meaning of life, at least
the prologue or something. i never thought i'd really get
this deep. but i'm still lost. i'm not benefitting,
really. but when i get to the center, mabye i can start
digging out. i dunno, fuck materialistic poser symbolism.
basicallly, the pattern that exists everything is something
i don't know the name of. i think its an undulation or
somehting. ok, its a wave, a wave that starts out slow,
moving to the right, then gets larger and larger, each
hill/crevice getting taller/steeper. i first noticed this
pattern on my basic happiness in my lifetime. i think that
im dropping. i was getting higher a while back, but i
guess that stopped. same with religion, i checked it, but
im really too lazy and tired to write out how it works. i
guess it wouldn't really matter, its for you to figure out.
another pattern existing practically everywhere is the
spiral (taken from the theories in Pi). i think that if i
infuse the spiral with the waves of the undulation or
whatever, i could see something. but then again, thats
just something to keep me from killing myself. i wouldn't
really say that my urge to kill myself is getting any
greater, just the hesitations of suicide are declining.
i''m also getting a lot more selfcritical and worrying way
too much. i can't stand myself. and i doubt that ill ever
lose that attitude. unless, of course, mercury can
intervene. gaaaa i haven't had anything close to a
mercurial experience in a long time. back in the days, id
get them every month. maybe i should kill myself. i
dunno, whatever. if i do ever kill myself, it won't be
slow. it'd just be one night, maybe see a movie, have some
bad social interactions, come home, get that strange urge,
maybe find some pills or a blade, think about it for a
minute, suicidal urges grow exponentially and ill end it.
but at least im alive now. i guess this new undulation
thing will give me some insight. but nothing is ever
steady in my life. its always thinking for months with
hardly any progress at all, then one day i grow
tremendously, relatively. at least im only 15, which gives
me more optimism. my mind will still grow, and expand. i
dunno. on a lighter note, im starting to make an anime
music video. the visuals are going to be serial
experiments: lain, a really good anime. the audio was
first going to be the pixies, where is my mind? but that
wasn't turning out good, then i relaized clint mansell's
work on pi. so im doing 2pi r as the audio. now its
progressing very well. ill put it up on kazaa, along w/
email and website, which is [email protected] and
bite.to/consume (my happier website, fade.to/myself is shut
down, this diary replaced it). hopefully this could give a
to mercury. or maybe i could kill myself. or at least
self mutilation, but ill chicken out or permanently injure
myself. at least my forearm stabs have have healed on the
inside, but you can somewhat see 2 pink marks on the major
stabs. with a colored pencil, brown i believe it was. but
that was an entirely superficial s-m wound, i was just
furious at my bro for supermicial things, and anger took
over, and, well. well, theres no easy and smooth way to
end this entry, so...