once again
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2001-11-12 08:29:39 (UTC)

questions unanswered

I never made it home early enough Friday night to catch
Shawn awake. There was no answer and I just assumed
everyone was sleeping. Only when I called on Saturday he
was gone and Neeka told me he got fired. Heowed some guy
money whose wife worked at Codys and he jumped Shawn
outside of work on Weds. and they both got fired. So he
lied to me about that when I asked why he wasn't working on
Friday. I'm not mad he lost his job...I'm disappointed he
lied to me about it. Like I wasn't going to find out.
Either way he wasn't home all day Saturday and I missed him
today and no luck when I got off of work. So all I have
are questions running through my head. I think that I
should have just let him do all this on his own and never
let him know that I was letting him back into my heart the
way I have because now I am hurt and I don't want to be.
Dawn told me that he is still the same old Shawn...nothing
changed and I don't want that. I was so worried that my
visit there would be ruined because of him and I have a
feeling it will be. I know we're going to get into a fight
about something...just don't know what. Everyone wants me
to stay the whole week and not go to Delray Beach...don't
know how I can do that. I want to. Shawn has told me so
many things and I fear that I've set myself up and he is
just lonely. Why can't I just let people go? I moved here
to get away from lies and pain and it's my fault I'm
feeling this way again. I did it to myself. I want to cry
but I'm holding it in because what use is it? I'm going to
that pyscic with Amica...I've decided. It will bring alot
of my worries to rest I think. It should make me okay for
a little while. I'm asking myself why I would possibly
want all this with Shawn I really just lonely?
I have guys here that make me unlonely, when I'm with them
I think of Shawn. Am I longing for the past? Possibly,
but I don't want the poverty again...nor the stress.
Should I let go? I just can't come to terms in my head
and heart with what I should do. I miss Florida for the
mere fact that I made a life for myself there and while it
was rough, I had so many friends that I didn't realize
cared and I had places to go when in need. Now what do I
have? A friend that calls once a week and never go out
unless I have a new flavor of the week? I question what I
want from this whole Robert thing and I don't know. I look
at him adn he gained weight...can't he take care of himself
better? Not eat so badly? He works at a strip club...I
could never tell my family that. But he is a good guy and
I know looks aren't everything but I can't imagine sleeping
with him forever and he has poor outlooks onlife...he'd
rather die then fight for it. He doesn't see himself
getting married. I'm sorry but that's the reason you
date. Not for fun but for that person to complete you
forever. I'm trying to let things just be and have them
happen and they do but my patience gets the best of me and
I want something to be over so then I am not so fucking
confused anymore. It would make sense. Nothing makes
sense to me however.Shawn can't move up here on nothing and
he insists he can do this. But will it be the
same...careless spending? Lying about not having money?
Lazziness...he really wasn't lazy though. I think he wants
to be grown up but doesn't know how to get that final grip
on reality to do it. I can't help him either because I
waisted 2 years trying to do that and you can't change
anyone...the have to do it them selves. He swears he's
changed but getting juumped for owing someone $40 for a bag
isn't changing. He's the same still maybe he thinks he's
doing better. But when all is said and done he isn't. I
know Neeka she won't let him live there forever for free
and he probably has no motivation to go looking for a job
and without a car he's a little shit out of luck. So we're
back to square one...what is he going to do? Where will he
work where he isn't worrying about how he will get to
work. How will he make it here if he really will? What am
I doing? I answered all these questions when I moved
back...and know I'm asking myself everythign I asked in
June. Maybe if I sleep with Q again all the answers will
come back to me...worked the first time.

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