Cynic

first entry

11/8

I've decided to give it another attempt to keep a journal.
last time i wrote my thoughts down was last semester,
spring 2001, when i was going through a lot of
SHIT...roommate problems, deciding what to major in,
feeling lost and alone. The process of writing my thoughts
down was extremely helpful because i was able to release
all the tensions, anger, frustrations, or whatever that was
bothering. Things got better as i worked through my
problems and i also got busy with school so i stopped
writing. My reason to start writing again is that i've gone
through some first-time experiences in my life and i would
like to record my feelings and thoughts down because i've
been thinking about them a lot.

Anyways, one of the thing that's been on my mind is my
identity. Do i know who i am? Does anyone know have a clue
who the real me is? What brought my attention to this
question is my feeling that i am always misunderstood by
other people. They take the things i say the wrong way.
Maybe it's my fault since i dont like people to know what
i'm going to do...i like to carry myself in a mischievous
way. Sometimes i would say things just to get a reaction or
say weird things to entertain myself when i'm bored. for
example, when i drive and i see a pedestrian walking across
and hesitate to do so while i'm about to make a left turn,
i would say, "yea, you better stop or i'll run your ass
over!" some people would totally think that was the REAL me
talking and say how mean and incosiderate i am, but i was
just kidding. REALLY..i am! another example is when a girl
says she's fat to me and i try to tell her that she's not
and i would put a smirk or a "hehe" after i say, "BELIEVE
ME, YOU'RE NOT FAT!" She would not believe me even though i
was honestly and sincerely telling what i really feel. I
guess it's my fault because she's insecure about that and
the the little laugh at the end didn't help in my
persuasion to tell her otherwise. To me the laugh is me
thinking how rediculous it is for her to think that she's
fat because she's NOT! If a fat girl told me that she
thinks she's fat, i wouldn't say anything. I'll just keep
my mouth shut or if she's someone i know well, i would
probably say, "yea, you should cut down on the midnight
snacks or something." OKAY, i know i'm mean but that's
something i would really say.

For everyone who has opinions about me, let me do something
to get those feelings out of the way so i can write
whatever i feel in this journal. If you say i'm mean, then
i'm mean. if you say i'm a brat, then i'm a brat. If you
say i'm a nice, then i'm nice. I will admit to everything you
say i am because they are just labels. If you think
i'm a jerk for teasing a 4th grader about her crush, then
i'm a jerk. but, to some people it could be funny so then
i'm a funny guy. however you take my actions or the things
i say, is up to you. I am who i am and i will not try to
deny or put on a false image. I just hope in life that i
will find someone that will understand my actions they way
i intent them to be. For me to find such a person after
interacting with thousands of people during my lifetime
would make me successful and happy. If there one person
like that in this world, then i would be happy to die after
meeting him/her. i've realized how corny that is but f*** it, who
cares?!

I should head to bed now even though there's so much in my
head right now that i would like to write down if i didnt
have any classes tomorrow.