faiien angei

dramarama

oh my. i dont even know where to begin...

i'll start with my conversation with the boy after he
invited me out for lunch...

we were having a nice, decent conversation when things took a turn
for the worse...somehow the topic became that of SK and PG...and then
he got aggro. "we were doing fine until this came up. it always
comes
back to this...this is why you and i could never have anything more
than a friendship...do you undertand this?"
a few days later more was revealed to me. The night in SD when he
tried to play me off for some sort of regional whore, was the night
that everything met its demise. CT, JJ and PG saw me and my sidekick
walking down the street...and for some reason they took it upon
themselves to talk massive shit about us to reinstate their manhood.
It didnt suprise me that JJ was talking shit. He's a paranoid coke
head...i expected that from him. PG was slightly shocking...though
not completely...CT was a SHOCK. i told the boy that i didnt
understand why CT would say anything like that about me and the he
told me that obviously i was naive if i thought that i knew him. I
was a girl and he would always have a different persona around me,
and that he knew the real CT.
i was pissed.
Because of what they said about me, they ruined any chance i had at a
relationship with someone that i truely cared about.

a few days later i went to the boys house for his halloween
party...the night before i left, he told me that he would have a few
prospective girls down, and that i shouldnt get jealous. I told him
that jealousy was not in my nature...
i got to the party and all was well...until one of the girls showed
up...and i wasnt bad at that point...what killed me was when he
showed me to the guest room...and gave me blankets and some pillows.
i kept my facade of not being hurt until he left the room. i went to
his room to get my clothes and change out of my costume when i broke
down into tears. i sat in his chair staring at the floor crying. Tif
walked in to see if i was okay, which clearly i wasnt. I wanted to be
left alone, and she got offended. She finally left the room in a huff
and the boy saw her storm out. i sat on the floor taking my make-up
off when he walked in to see me balling. he just stood there and
asked me what was wrong, i told him that it was something that i
didnt care to talk about with him...and he just tried to tell me that
everything would be okay. i got up to leave and he tried to give me a
hug...i accepted for a second until i started crying harder...i
excused myself. shortly afterwards, i descended to the guestroom as
he went to his with another girl. i passed out...and continued to cry
for another week.
then i saw him online...so i IMed him. our relationship is
dysfunctional...rudeness and mean sarcasm prevails. he kept telling
me that he loved me, that kept calling me his sweety. so mean.
later that night he called me, and we talked for a half hour...where
he told me in his own unique way that he woke up in the middle of the
night and went into the guestroom and saw me sleeping, and he knew
that i should have been the one sleeping in his arms that night. he
told me that he wanted me to come down for the weekend again soon so
that he could spend time with me just the 2 of us...i told him that
it was already in my plan to go down there, but that i was going to
spend the weekend at his friends house. He got extremely
jealous. "Good! stay with her! then i only have to deal with you
when
i feel like it,and can leave when i get sick of you" he said to
me...which, knowing him and his lingo, means "i cant beleive you're
going to come down here and not stay with me. ha ha ha. i know him so
well.

i called him when i was in houston so that i could talk to him befoe
i left for the week, and he invited me over for thanksgiving dinner.
i dont know if i'm going to go or not. i like that boy so much. eugh.
i wish i knew what to do. i told him that i would call him when i got
back...but i havent yet. i'm nervous. i've known him for a year...and
i still get nervous when i talk to him. so annoying. i got reallt
drunk the other night, and spent the night at a boys house...we
cuddled and what not, and i keptwanting to call him by the boys
name...i caught myself doing it 5 times. EGH!

I AM GOIN TO GO INSANE

so last night...i got back to town and went out to dinner with
Jason...i dont know what happened...we were cuddling, i was tired,
sick...longing for the boy...and somehow we ended up
kissing and fooling around. i thought that he was over me enough to
just let it happen...then he told me that he loved me. i didn know
what to do. i got up and told him to take me home.

sigh