2001-11-12 01:59:02 (UTC)

"i will give up this fight...."

...cus I can't make you love me if you dont
You cant make your heart feel something it wont."

Well I havent written in here for awhile.. since this
summer.. not much has probably changed actually in 4
months... thats kind of sad, huh? Well anyway I'm back.
Cus he's back.
I dont even know.
Im scared to even hope.
And then I wish he wasn't.
I dont know.
Like he's been away for a couple months now.
No talking, no chilling, no walking to class, nothing.
He wrote me this letter on my birthday.
"I love you so much. Remember the talk we had this summer, about
being together when we graduate... I want you to be happy I love you
so much" FUCK YOU. LIAR. liar.
Then Monday, not even a week ago, he called after school
Do I want to go to the store?
Okay Matt. Of course I want to go to the store.
Of course I want to go to the fucking store.
Then Wednesday Can I dye his hair?
Okay Matt. Of course I'll dye your hair.
All day. From 4-11.
Holding my hand. Kissing me.
He would not stop and it made me feel like shit.
Claudia "I'm guna puke you guys are so cute together."
But we're NOT together.
"Why the fuck not"
Yeah. why the fuck not.
because then i'd be too happy.
and even more, too sad.
and I AM fucking happy. I didnt WANT him to come back.
im not meant to be happy.
not as long as i let him keep fucking with me.
then friday. ALL day. after school, the mall, my house, claudias,
bowling. (friday madness bowling 11-2, lots of fun! =)

then hes in a shitty mood.
then saturday night. starbucks, car ride, gus's, car ride.
shitty mood.

i didnt want him to come back and i dont want to fall for this
bullshit again.
i dont need him. shes better. i LIKE her more.
why is he trying to fuck with that?
just cus he can?? i won't let him.
today. i call to see if he wants to go to the store.
of course not. of course he is too busy.
i drop everything, every time, any time, regardless.
7:03. "I'm off work. I'll call you as soon as I get home."
9:10. Nothing yet.
And there just won't be. There wont be.
I'm here when he needs me, when he wants something. Anytime. Always.
He's not. Not ever. Not now, not ever.

its not enough.
I am not enough.
I never was.
I never will be.
I never fucking will be.
I will never be over this.
when will i be able to let go of him.
did I fuck this up?
I will never be enough.
why do i even try to be enough for anyone.
i hate him. i hate his power over me.