Ad 0:
2001-11-12 00:34:58 (UTC)


so you think you can tell heaven from hell

so you think you can fly away from all of this, so you get
piss ass drunk and you call people up and tell them what
you really think but they don't give a fuck. it passes
through their mind for one fleeting moment and then it's
gone, just like you are from their lives, and then you cry
some more and you cry some more and you drink pots of
coffee and you smoke like ten million packs of cigarettes
and you sing to yourself but it doesn't make you feel
better. it's just your way of turning your misery into
something artistic, something you might see in a movie,
something you'll remember, something that'll mean something
at least to you if not to anyone else.

i wish i had a videocamera permanently attached to my hand,
there are so many moments that i see something so
insignificant and wish i could capture that moment in time
and look back at it and feel the same way that i did right
then. i'm pretending that tomorrow doesn't exist,
pretending that everything i see is the last thing i will
ever see, and it makes everything more meaningful. it makes
me want to get out. i don't want to be here, i don't want
to be between four walls, i need sky and air and smoke and
crunchy leaves and the smell of whiskey on his breath. i
need that parking lot where we saw falling stars. i need
the train rumbling against my back as i pretend to be
asleep in the blue vinyl seat, really i'm watching everyone
else do the same thing. i had shoe on one shoulder and
lanie on the other, kernie and rob were across from me,
leaning against each other. a paper bag in my hand, an open
forty hidden inside. brett appears out of nowhere and gives
me a swig of his flask, it burns all the way down and
instantly warms my stomach.

it's almost my birthday. last year, van and luke threw me a
party at their house before they got evicted. all the
people i loved, regardless of how much they hated each
other, were all in one spot, and they were all drunk and
getting along just fine. it might have been the greatest
night of my life. we went driving and canning and went to
the diner and they all sang happy birthday. they made me
smoke up with them, something i never ever do because i
hate it. but this time it was fun, more fun than anything.
i felt free and happy and thinking about it now,i want to
cry. everyone was there, lanie, van, kernie, lea, luke,
darren, shoe, brett, pinsent, fritello, alyssa, ron, jay,
jacki, jimmy, gerardi, steve, pat, dan, danielle, iggy,
josh, devin, chelsea, julian, jarred, hayley, jess, scott,
flynn, rob, shredder, casey, deaf ralph, halflick, chrissa,
jenn, evan, levins, alex, greg, jamie, patrick, megan,
suzie, marissa, and so many other i didn't even know. van
and luke got evicted after that party.