2001-11-11 19:46:43 (UTC)

in china they never grow chili

i know i really dont need to be thinking about this right
now but i do sometimes. about coming home. how i dont know
what ANYTHING will be like. with myself or the city or life
or anything of the sort. i know that i'll never have the
kind of social life i did before ever again. i dont feel i
need to smoke, i never feel obliged to drink. i know that i
am not interested in bullshit, or bullshitting, which was
why even before i left i didnt like smoking or even
drinking with more than one person.
my new years resolution has held up here, in a hardcore
way. in such a way that i dont ever even need to restrain
myself.i just dont want to. i dont want anyone touching me,
if at all possible my standards have increased like 1000%
while being here. now i'll really never get laid. haha.
it's funny though. because i don't care. i dont think i
have curses anymore, i dont think any bad things about
myself anymore, i dont really get lonely, i dont ever want
anything anymore that is less than i deserve. i am ok with
how everything is. i never really felt like this before. i
was always kidding myself in one way or another. anyway now
i feel like i just want to wander around in the desert by
myself for the rest of my life.

ya know what im gonna do? im gonna check the goddamn
weather. i never know what the weather will be like
tomorrow. or what is going on in my city, this one or NYC,
because i have no comp TV or window to look out of and see
ny. i cannot imagine. i remember my dad telling me about
when the world trade center was being built. i would sit
there and try to imagine what the skyline looked like and
couldnt do it. now i try doing that. and i still can.t. i
dont know. i read this thing before i came here, this
story. and in it someone says how when you travel, the soul
travels at about the speed of someone walking. so it takes
awhile to catch up with you. thats totally not true, my
soul came with me but when that shit happened my heart was
still there and i still feel this kinda distant crushing of
it, but its lost, and its somewhere else right now and im
not going to be apart of it anymore. that pain in my heart.
every so often i look at the pictures from my birthday.
when we went up to the top of the WTC to watch the sunset.
im so glad i decided i wanted to do that instead of going
to seaside heights. happy i have those pictures.

so i spent the day at the uffizi. the big museum of
florence. fucking i have no idea why i didnt go there
before. after about the first half hour i started feeling
dizzy. sometimes almost like having a panic attack,
sometimes almost crying. i mean.
alright, i know ive said before, about going to the Roman
Forum, how that was the first place i felt how old
everything around me was. it was something new at that time
to feel history, to feel how long something has been
now i dont think florence has been around as long as Rome
has. florence is more of an immeidiate oldness. more
accessible. the art and archituecture that make up its
history and that maintain that history so that the present
is still the past is still around, obviously. you can see
it every cornor you turn.
this place, this building, i guess was a concentrated
feeling of that. how many differnt purposes the building
had, but i think it was always assiciated with the arts.
theaters, stuff like that. but i dont know. one room is
boticelli the next is leonardo, the next rafello, the next
michelangelo carvaggio el greco and all sorts of shit
that i never heard of that just made me want to faint or
just sit there. i should take a chair around with me next
time. and earplugs, ENOUGH with the 4000 person japasese
tour groups. and i swear i never liked religious art but
jesus. no pun intended. i've been reading the bible while i
take shits these days. even though i know all these
stories. it's all new to me, the way i am reading them.
thinking about them. i am pissed at catholic school and
school in general. for teaching in such a SHITTY STUPID
way. yeah then i got thrown out cause i was hlafway
through the discovery of perspective exhibit which was PHAT
i mean drawings of the moon by GALILIEO!! i mean come on.
and all the instuments they used to create perpective for
art for math for architecture for war purposes... i copied
down this quote that i read while i was there, that i
love , and that i will end with "As a reflection of God's
light, she is supirior to the sun."
so i started writing pisa last night. went into one of
those zone things and when i read it over i didnt believe i
wrote it. yay for me.