All About Toria
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2001-11-11 05:13:13 (UTC)

I hate crying...

Crying has got to be the sadest thing to do. I mean the
crying where you just get to a point with all your stress
and your life and stand there and realize, "Hey, I can't
take it!" Not as a suicidal thing so much but as a mind

I felt that tonight after I got off the phone with my mom.
She's at work and she's wondering what to bring home to
eat. I've been gone at my sister's for a week pretty much
and today I came home to no food in the house. I told my
mom I though it was pretty fucked up, ya know? And she put
all this on me, "...I have to work two jobs...It isn't easy
for me...I'm just trying to give you and your brother a
nice Christmas..." The usual, "Hey, I'm taking it out on
you" speach.

She's taken her stress out on me all my life, and by now
you'd think I'd be used to it. But it's absolutely reverse.
I'm so sensitive to it now. It seems like when I was
younger I could handle it more. Maybe because I didn't have
my own stress. But now as a teenager, I have so much
stress, and I take on hers. It's way too much for lil ol me.

I am after all just a teenager. And I really wish she'd
realize that. But I guess as the years went by she got used
to doing it, and how do you have an adult break a cycle. I
guess it's a good thing she takes her stress out on me, cuz
atleast she doesn't freak out on her boss or Ronnie. (my
lil brother) But still, sometimes I wish she'd just take it
out on a pillow.

I haven't made a journey entry in quite some time. For
really no reason. I guess things just got to be things and
I didn't want to have to list everything exciting in the
day. But I kinda wish I did. It's just those weekends that
throw you off. You know, the ones where you stay at a
friends house the whole time, and so much happens. That
when you get back to your journey, your just like Screw It!

Hmm...let's see where I am in life as of tonight. I was
going to High School, but they said I'd only get quarter
credits (a class is a half credit) cuz I missed a month.
They gave me five classes and I did the Math. Turns out I
would of gotten 1.25 credits for this semester. No matter
what. And since two classes equal 1 credit, I felt like
that's jipped. So I decided to go next semester.

I'm trying to get a job at the moment. I don't really know
where at, but somewhere where I can get back and forth to
easily. I just want some cash. Maybe I can take some of
that stress off my mom's back that way. Plus it's something
to do when all my friends are in school or work.

My parent's split up when we moved. It's me, Ronnie, and my
mom now in this one bedroom apartment, in Rosevelt Park
Apartments. (aka-The Ghetto) Since my step dad stole my
moms money, we really didn't have anywhere else to go. Plus
it's not as bad as it seems or looks. It's quite alright
with me. I'm jus trippin about the cleaness. I mean 3
people inna one bedroom, the place is bound to get dirty
and messy. But since I'm a clean freak, I'm freaking out
about it all.

Hmm...friends. Let's see. The other day me and my old best
friend Andrea got into it on the computer, big woopy. She's
too chicken to do it in person then fine. And Katie, my
supposed best friend was with Andrea at the time. So me and
her did drop the beef but I haven't talked to her since,
and really don't care too. Katie, I can live without her.
It's alot less drama this way.

Everybody else is normal. I still party with Kim, Aaron,
and Mikey. Of course. And weird enough I got drunk and
screwed around with Mikey, and Myka. And then had some
great sex with Travis. Those are all of Aaron's best
friends from High School. lol. I do regret the Mikey and
Myka thing. But not Travis. I've had this big crush on him
for awhile and well sex was a good thing to do. lol. And
hey I did get to figure out if Myka had a small dick. (Yes,
he does lol)

Lately my weekends have been pretty calm since though. Just
consisting of me, Mikey, Kim, and Aaron. Pretty boring to
me. I wanna kick it with someone I find attractive lol.
Actually though, the other night, Thursday, I got really
drunk with Kim and them and me and Kim got really
emotional. Not the best thing to do. But like I can go back
and change it. Plus I don't really care since it was just
in front of Mikey and Aaron.

Well this is certainly enough for one day, and one entry.
Much Muahz, Love ya,