listen to my silences
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2001-11-11 01:56:41 (UTC)

(not) complete thoughts

this has gotta be brief. dad went off last time cause i
was on late. already threatened me once that i have
fifteen minutes...

slept solidly last night. was wonderful. makes three
nights in almost two weeks.

brodie and i were supposed to hang today, but i had to go
shopping for clothes for senior pictures so couldn't call
him until five. by then, he had made plans for the night
to go to his girlfriend's house. went over to his house
for a half hour, but it sucked that we didn't get to just
hang out. was acting real weird toward me today. very
distant. maybe cause of the ticket, maybe cause of
ashley. don't know. sux though.

kells is out of town for the weekend. had such an awesome
talk last saturday night. can't wait till she gets back.
had a rough time lately. hopefully this weekend away will

don't know what's going on with g. changed his diary name
or something cause i can't find it. know he's been going
through a lot. and got threatened or something online.
hope he's okay.

powder puff was fun. lost. played a clean game, which is
something the juniors can't say, though they played better
than we did. painted face. one half black, the other
white. eyebrows, lips, football stripes in opposite
colors. senior written on forehead in opposite colors.
hair in pigtails. car written all over with glass chalk.
had a blast. score: 14 to 8.

had to make a statement cause of thing at work. took an
hour and a half to talk to bart about it and write
statement. nervous and uncomfortable there still. nothing
done yet, will be soon. brodie wants to take care of it.

dad came in yesteday. wanted me to buy something with
employee discount. was going to give me money. waited
till i was off register. disappeared. i clocked out.
went on lunch. had him paged. waited for him for fifteen
minutes. got disgusted. had to pay myself. forgot to use
discount. didn't get to eat. was pissed. dad yelled at
me when i got home cause forgot the discount.

don't know what's wrong with me. been in a weird mood
lately, as you know if you've read my diary entries. been
distant from myself. trying to figure stuff out, but
failing. possibly cause don't want to know. wondering if
ever going to find love. wondering if want to. scared it
may be real and disappear again. knowing it probably
will. wanting to be alone to think but afraid to. fearing
tomorrows, looking forward to them anxiously. confused.
not wanting to be here. home. wanting to take off for a
few days. get away from everything. knowing i can't.
torn apart. confused.

final thought: i would paint this picture if i only had a
palette. this nonexistant easel calls my name.